Category: bush

Q: Why does George W. Bush have a dog?
A: To remind him of his mother.

1. I’ll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

3. I’ll finish what Bill started — the interns.

4. Like fathers like son. You liked my dad, right?

5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

7. New penal plan: I won’t use mine!

8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

URGENT ASSISTANCE – FROM USA

IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United States of
America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the
United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met
neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for
a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business
transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account
requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in
acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of Iraq. My
partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my
father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the
United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the
United States Central Intelligence Agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the
United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President
of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring
Islamic republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a
falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue
sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British
subsidiary.

My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of
sixty-one billion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six
billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom
of Saudi Arabia and other persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars
($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father’s former Iraqi
business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum
reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the
President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his
country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power.
Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of
this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to
200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 – $200,000,000,000), both in the initial
acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the
oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are
urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this
business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of
America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and
former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose
professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a
Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent
(10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture.
The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as
our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the
fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.

I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and
worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A
bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that
this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in
this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further
discuss the matter.

I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be
forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers
below.
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111

“This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an
efficient way. We’re making the right decisions to bring the solution to an
end.” �George W. Bush, April 10, 2001

“I’m thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a
chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America �
we can feed ourselves.” �George W. Bush, Stockton, Calif.

Told to me by my father, who heard it from his cousin?

Gorbachev is hard at work on his country’s budget. His secretary
Knocks on the door. “Mr. Secretary, the–“

“Not now, I’m busy!”

“But…”

“Net! Come back in two hours.”

Thirty seconds later, she knocks again. “Mr. Secretary, the
Phone… you must answer it.”

“Can’t you see I’m working on the budget? I must have silence.
Have them call back tomorrow.”

“But Mr. Secretary, it’s Mr. Bush on the phone. He says he has 5
Billion dollars for you, and you don’t have to pay any of it back!”

Gorbachev smiles and picks up the phone. “Hello, Neil…”

WASHINGTON � for a guy looking for a new house, George W. Bush picked the
right place for a speech Monday.
“It’s fitting, I guess, that I’m here in Washington talking to Realtors,”
Bush told about 1,500 people attending the midyear conference of the National
Association of Realtors. “After all, I’m looking for a new house.”
The audience gathered a mile or so from the White House, laughed heartily,
continuing a lighthearted atmosphere that started moments earlier.
The Texas governor was introduced by Dennis Cook of Roanoke, Va., the
association’s president. He played off the Texas tradition of doing things
large.
“The Lone Star State is home to 20 million people � and nearly that many
cattle. It has the most farmland, the most species of bats, the longest fishing
pier, the largest rose garden. And Texans will tell you that the first word
spoken from the moon was, ‘Houston,”’ Cook said.
Taking the stage, Bush grinned and called the introduction “intriguing.”

Why did Al Gore get a belly ring?
Because George Bush had a Dick Cheney.

Attorney General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the
typical civics presentation, he announces, “All right, boys and girls, you can
all ask me questions now.”
A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, “I have 3 questions: 1.
How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using
the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans’ civil liberties? 3. Why hasn’t the U.S.
caught Osama Bin Laden yet?”
Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground.
Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again.
Ashcroft says, “I’m sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can
all ask me questions.”
A young girl raises her hand and says, “I have 5 questions: 1. How did
Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why are you using the USA
Patriot Act to limit Americans’ civil liberties? 3. Why hasn’t the U.S. caught
Osama Bin Laden yet? 4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? 5. Where’s
Bobby?”

“Turkey has voted not to allow U.S. troops into their country and Saddam
Hussein said ‘You can do that?'” .Jay Leno

“War continues in Iraq. They’re calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom.They were
going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells
‘OIL.'” .Jay Leno

“Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the
willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.”
.JonStewart

“According to the New York Times, Saddam Hussein has mined all
his oil fields, planted bombs in all his major cities, he’s got bombs in the
military installations, in the airports, and he’s mined all the government
buildings. There’s not much left for us to do, really.” .JayLeno

“Good news for Iraq. There’s a 50 percent chance that President Bush will
confuse it with Iran.” .Craig Kilborn

“President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with
Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, ‘I know
you’re there, pick up, pick up.” .Craig Kilborn

“President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn’t pronounce in countries
he never knew existed.” .Jay Leno

“President Bush found out something this week. Between the countries of
Cameroon, Chile, Angola and Syria, Angola plays the best music whenthey put you
on hold.” .Craig Kilborn

“As you all know we’re about to start March Madness. That’s NCAA college
basketball tournament when they start with 64 teams and you whittle them down to
just one, you know kind of like our allies.” .Jay Leno

“CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into threeparts
… regular, premium and unleaded.” .Jay Leno

A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National
Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti- war organization called
‘Books Not Bombs.’ President Bush said, ‘Why do you want to drop books on
them?'” .Jay Leno

“My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I took her down
the street to the local Texaco.” .Jay Leno

“Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a
barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.” .Jay Leno

“Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of
Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.” .Jay Leno

“President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that
democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a
good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting.Iraq? We can’t
even get this in Florida.” .Jay Leno

“In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a
live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second
language to both of them.” .Jay Leno

“President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage
war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American
voters to become president, either.” .David Letterman

In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam
Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing,
education . anything that’s needed. Isn’t that amazing? He finally comes up with
a domestic agenda. and it’s for Iraq.Maybe we could bring that here if it works
out.” .Jay Leno

“Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the United Nations Security
Council, offering a compelling 90-minute presentation that not only furthered
his case but reminded the world why America is second to none in the field of
PowerPoint.” .Jay Leno

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates
America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.” .Conan
O’Brien

“The state of Texas executed its third prison inmate this week. This
week. In fact, they don’t even have a last meal anymore, now it’s a buffet.”
.Jay Leno

“I read today that the president was interrupted 73 times by applause and 75
times by really big words.” .Jay Leno

“This week officials from France, Russia and Germany accused President Bush of
having a fondness for war. Yeah, when asked about it, a spokesman for Bush said,
‘It’s a one syllable word, of course he’s fond of it.'” .Conan O’Brien

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen
and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
are our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pit bull on the pant leg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
can coexist.
Families are where our nation finds hope
where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

And here’s another! Well it’s actually an AP headline: “Philippine leader gets
rare Bush dinner.” I know, I’m a twelve year-old boy, you don’t have to tell me.
I’m giggling like a schoolboy after hearing the word “titmouse�. Haha…
titmouse.