Category: bush

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.
He says, “Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?”

Jenna replies, “No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been
eating doughnuts?

As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While
operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer
about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in
general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket,
and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are
ya, Sir?” Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what
they are — I never heard of circle flies.” So the farmer says, “Well, circle
flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re
almost always found circling around the back end of horses.” Bush says, “Oh,”
and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says,
“Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?” The farmer
says, “Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about
calling you a horse’s ass.” Grinning broadly, Bush says, “Well, that’s a good
thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer
says, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

3 Sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have
eaten. The first one says: I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had
eaten so much garlic I still feel sick. The second shark says: That’s nothing
pal! I swallowed Boris Jelzin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him
that I’m still drunk. The 3rd shark laughs and said: You lucky guys! I swallowed
George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still
can’t dive!

Bush: Whiskers No Longer a Threat to U.S.

The search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq came to an end today as U.S. military officials found chemical, biological and nuclear weapons hidden in the scraggly beard of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

The Iraqi madman had instructed his weapons scientists to create the WMD in microscopic form so that he could carry them around on his person at all times, the officials said.

U.S. General Ricardo Sanchez said that the discovery of WMD nestled in Saddam’s unkempt facial hair closes the book on one of Operation Iraqi Freedom’s most enduring mysteries.

“Now we know why we never found the weapons of mass destruction,” General Sanchez told reporters. “We never dreamed they were tiny enough to be hidden on someone’s face.”

The general added that Saddam was capable of launching his deadly weapons cache merely by shaking his head.

After he was captured, Saddam received a shave and a haircut from the Halliburton Company, who charged the former dictator the entire $750,000 he had in his possession.

The deadly beard was then stored in an airtight container and transferred to a U.S. military laboratory in Wiesbaden, Germany for future study.

At a press conference in Washington, President Bush praised the military for removing Saddam’s lethal beard once and for all.

“Thanks to the efforts of our coalition, Saddam Hussein’s whiskers will no longer harbor the world’s deadliest weapons,” Mr. Bush said.

Later in his press conference, the President revealed that U.S. forces found Saddam after receiving a tip from Tikrit that there was an ass in a hole in the ground.

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the
legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter.
“Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a
suggestion… it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other
direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggestion. A
while later Cheney said, “You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot
easier!”
“Yes sir,” agreed Bush. “But darn it! We’re getting’ farther away from our
truck!”

Press won’t think about the war Shrub just gave us:
They lie for Bush Baby (lie for Bush Baby).
Fibbing’s a virtue, ’cause Dubya’s lazy.
They lie for Bush Baby (lie for Bush Baby).
Iraq now is just Bush’s plaything.
Oil Boy and a puppet is this king.
Iraq attack for oil took heat, so
They lie for Bush Baby (lie for Bush Baby).
War’s his road to avoid defeat.
They lie for Bush Baby (lie for Bush Baby).
Iraq now is just Bush’s plaything.
Oil Boy and a puppet is this king.
Bush Daddy’s past met defeat.
That’s why war hawks must fly.
If Shrub takes hell, he’ll get beat.
Then once again, a Bush says goodbye…
(instrumental break)
Our press right now is just Bush’s plaything.
They lie for Bush Baby (lie for the twit named Bush Baby).
They are just hacks for Shrub, their sweetheart.
They lie for Bush Baby (lie for the twit named Bush Baby).
War’s his road to avoid defeat, so
They lie for Bush Baby (lie for the twit named Bush Baby).
If Shrub took hell, he’d get beat, so that’s why
They lie for Bush Baby (lie for the twit named Bush Baby).
Shrub wants his war while running, now (Lie for Bush Baby).
They lie for Bush baby (lie for Bush Baby)…
(fade)

“The goals for this country are peace in the world. And the goals for this
country are a compassionate American for every single citizen. That compassion
is found in the hearts and souls of the American citizens.” �George W. Bush,
Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2002

“But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it’s important to think
beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up,
the world would be safe.” �George W. Bush, May 1, 2001

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,
“You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will
go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and
some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of
relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he
says. “Welcome to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”

Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with
just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says.
“Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How
can you prove
yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid.
So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says: “Now George, what you
need to do is to surround you with smart people. Let me show you.” She calls
Tony Blair in and asks: “Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and
it isn’t your brother. Who is it?”
Tony Blair responds: “It’s me, ma’am.”
“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says:
“Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”
“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
So, upon returning to Washington, G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says: “Dick, your
parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?”

And Cheney says, “Wow, let me think about it and get back to you.”
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says: “Colin, your parents had a baby. It
isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?” And Colin Powell says,
“It’s me, of course!”
So Cheney calls Bush and says: �I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s
Colin Powell.”
And Bush says: “No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

***

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a ‘get acquainted’ tour of
the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had
a solid gold urinal!
That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal: “Just
think,” he said, “When I am President, I’ll have my own personal gold urinal!”
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she
told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that,
in the President’s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to
Bill and said: “Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone.”

***

On a propaganda tour through the United States President George Bush visits a
school and explains his political actions. Afterwards he invites the children to
ask him questions.
Little Bob rises to speak: �Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:
1. how did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore? 2. Why do
you want to attack the Iraq without reason? 3. Don’t you think that the nuclear
bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?�
Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of
the classroom. When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them
again to ask questions.
This time Joey rises to speak: �Mr. President, I have got five questions to
ask: 1. how did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore? 2.
Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason? 3. Don’t you think that the
nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times? 4. Why
did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today? 5. Where is my friend Bob?�

“We need an energy bill that encourages consumption.” �George W. Bush,
Trenton, N.J.

(instrumental intro)
No WMD’s have been discovered,
Though Bush says that can’t be so.
But now his polling numbers have hovered
So low; it grieves him, so low.

Shrub plays hero at home – what a phony.
To war, rushed along, with Blair.
The Shrub keeps on selling war; insures only
The flow of oil; his chair.
‘Cause Bush lied, many thousands died.
And his thousand lies… can’t help to free… Iraq democracy.
Just remember who’s still selling warmonger lies.
Bush has lied; many thousands died.
War’s the way Bush pursues his quarry.
War’s the game he wants to play.
Got Saddam out, without really tryin’.
Our GI’s get killed every day.
‘Cause Bush lied, many thousands died.
And his thousand lies… can’t help to free… Iraq democracy.
Just remember who’s still selling warmonger lies.
Bush has lied; many thousands died.
‘Cause Bush lied, many thousands died.
Through his thousand lies, the Shrub will screw
No matter what or who.
He can never disguise all his warmonger lied.
‘Cause Bush lied, many thousands died.
Just remember who’s still selling warmonger lies.
Bush has lied: many thousands died.