Category: bush

“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job”
–George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

“This is a great day for France!”
–Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral

“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come
into the White House and start offering it up, you knows? … I bet if they did,
I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.'”
–George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan.
We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh…
setbacks.”
–George Bush

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy.
But that could change.”
–Dan Quayle

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right
here.”
–Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind–or not to have a mind. How true that
is.”
–Dan Quayle addressing the United White College Fund

“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that
is Maryland.”–William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more
caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.”
–George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what
drives me.”
–George Bush

“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re
in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and
medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.”
–Ronald Reagan

“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.
We begin bombing in five minutes.”
–Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that
the microphone was already on

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are
canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
–Dan Quayle

“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to
succeed.”
–Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn’t
have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine
up against his any time.

FOREIGN GOOFS

“Bite the wax tadpole.”
— Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

“Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.”
— ad slogan “Pepsi Comes Alive” as originally translated into Chinese

“I am a jelly doughnut”
–English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

“We pray for MacArthur’s erection.”
–sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a
run for President

“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
–from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

“It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.”
–Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

“I’m not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to
that.”–Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

“Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been
exposing himself to the people of the United States.”–Frank Licht, then
governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

“Retraction: The ‘Greek Special’ is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18
inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for
any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused.”
–correction printed in The Daily Californian

“Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls
off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for
the Padres!”
–Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

“I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and
then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your
hands?”
–announcer of children’s radio show “Life With Mother” to her audience

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret
Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the
water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid
says, “I want to go to Disneyland.”

Bush says, “No problem, I’ll take you there on Air Force One.”

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”

Bush says, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
stereo headset!”

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, “But you don’t look like you’re
handicapped.”

The kid says, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!!!”

“It’s very important for folks to understand that when there’s more trade,
there’s more commerce.” �George W. Bush, at the Summit of the Americas in Quebec
City, April 21, 2001

My fellow Armenians,

As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent Viagra, I think we
can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar
approach.

I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a
city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it Americans have
made their decision. They don’t need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to
move beyond the petty armadillos.

Politics doesn’t have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A
high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table.

That’s my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is
Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing “Streets in Laredo”.

(Music break)

A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball
team’s families, but of all American families. I don’t believe a president
should be choosing who the right Americans is and who the wrong Americans are.
All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That’s
why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely
second dose of wind.

(Zantac commercial)

I say there’s a cost to inaction. I haven’t done the acrobatics, but it’s
probably around a trillion dollars. That’s a good round sum to offer to
everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would
like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read
and write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be
free to pass on their life’s work to those they love, and especially to pass
on.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

(Applause; tears)

We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium;
we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental
losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword to
light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: “I do not believe in a fate that will
fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we
do something. And it must never run our lives.”

(Exxon commercial).

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every
killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not
miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain
dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I’m less now.
But I’m also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must
match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds.
I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to
confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I
will appeal to people’s better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger
than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the
people we trust. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this
great bastard of freedom.

Thank you and God help America.

Jenna Bush was caught trying to buy a drink in Austin with a fake ID. It’s her
second alcohol incident in a month. She must be extra careful from now on,
because under federal law, it’s Three Strikes and You’re President.”

“We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation
that suffers from incredible disease.” �George W. Bush, at a news conference in
Europe, June 14, 2001

“I think we’re making progress. We understand where the power of this country
lay. It lays in the hearts and souls of Americans. It must lay in our
pocketbooks. It lays in the willingness for people to work hard. But as
importantly, it lays in the fact that we’ve got citizens from all walks of life,
all political parties, that are willing to say, I want to love my neighbor. I
want to make somebody’s life just a little bit better.” �George W. Bush, April
11, 2001

“We’ve tripled the amount of money � I believe it’s from $50 million up to
$195 million available.” �George W. Bush, Lima, Peru, March 23, 2002

What are you gonna do now?
Look at beard and turban, this A-rab to be jailed.
‘Cause you’re working for the Homeland.

Spying on your neighbor is what they want you to do!
When you’re working for the Homeland.

They will teach their twisted speech.
To the young believers.

They will train the blue-eyed men
To be true believers.

Judges said five to four-and no reason now to doubt them.
Keep on spying for the Homeland.

No man born with American soul
Would be questioning the Homeland.

Up against the wall, the Homeland’s come to call.
How can you refuse it?

Our fury for the tower, anger is their power.
D’you think they won’t use it?

The voices on TV are calling.
Stop wasting your time, restrictions coming.
Only a fool would think anyone cares for you.

The men at the white house are bold and cunning.
They owe you nothing, your sons, they’re draftin’.
It’s the best years of your lives they want to steal.

You grow up as they dumb you down.
You’re just praising the Homeland.

You start wearing the uniforms brown.
You’re marching for the Homeland.

They give you someone to boss around.
It makes you feel big now.

You snooze and you don’t realize.
You lost your own will now.

In these days of evil presidentes
Skimming from the Homeland.

Whose holding the bag when the bills come due?
Those working for the Homeland.

But ha! Git along!
Working for the Homeland.
But ha! Git along!
Working for the Homeland.
Working for the Homeland.
Working for the Homeland.
Working for the Homeland.
But ha! Git along!
Working for the Homeland.
Working for the Homeland.
Working for the Homeland.
Working for the Homeland.
Working for the Homeland.
Working for the Homeland.
And they give away no secrets.
Working for the Homeland.
Who’s the dummy now?
Working for the Homeland…

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Bush’s mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at
the North Pole. George W. weights…well, we know how light he is. Cheney
weights so much, and Miss Barbara, well, we won’t mention a lady’s weight. One
day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out the
entire luggage behind them, but this doesn’t help: the bear comes closer. They
realize that one of the three will have to sacrifice him or her so that the two
others will be able to escape. “You should do it”, George W. says to Cheney,
“The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can’t expect Mama,
here, to fight the bear.” “I guess you’re right”, Cheney says. As he jumps out
of the sleigh, he shouts, “For the G-O-P!”, and gets killed by the bear.

“Thank God for my brains”, George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the
chase.

“Now it’s your time, mama”, George W. says. “Your weight is bigger than mine
and a good mama sacrifices herself for her children.”

“George!” mama says.

George W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.

His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us
he put there. “I guess you’re right”, she says, and she also jumps out and gets
killed.

“Thank God for my brains”, George W. giggles.

But still the bear won’t stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad,
and he shouts out : “You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I’ll take my gun
and I’ll blow you to pieces!!”

Bush was outside the Whitehouse, and when he got up to the gate to the
Whitehouse a marine was they�re watching the gate and the marine said “Sir, Good
Morning, Sir!” And bush said “Good morning” and the marine says “Sir, what did
you do today, Sir!” and bush said “Well I got a dog for Laura Bush” and then the
Marine says “Good Trade Sir!”

“For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And,
folks, this is unacceptable in America. It’s just unacceptable. And we’re going
to do something about it.” �George W. Bush, May 14