Category: bush

What major goal does George W. Bush still dream of accomplishing?
Being elected president.

“President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage
war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American
voters to become president, either.”

George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked
the kid to write “The President” on the blackboard.
Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and
the child replied, “Protect the environment and clean up the air.”
Dubya countered, “Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when
they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can’t we agree on
it? Can you spell “Is” and “We”?
The boy spells out “Is” then “We” on the blackboard.
“My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If
fact, they already did. Can you write, “tall” and “did”?
The boy writes the words on the blackboard.
“Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?”
The boys stand up and read what he has written on the blackboard aloud: “The
President is we tall did.”

“We hold dear what our Declaration of Independence says, that all have got
uninalienable rights, endowed by a Creator.” �George W. Bush, to community and
religious leaders in Moscow, May 24, 2002

George W. Bush was standing in an airport lobby when he noticed a man in a
long flowing white robe, with long white hair and white beard. The man held a
staff in one hand and had some stone tablets under his other arm.

Approaching the man, George W. inquired, “Pardon me, but aren’t you Moses?”
Ignoring George W., the man stared at the ceiling.

Positioning himself more directly in the man’s view, George W. again asked,
“Excuse me, aren’t you Moses?” Still the man continued staring at the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once more, “Aren’t you Moses?”
Finally, the man responded in an aggravated tone, “Yes, I am!”

George W. then asked the man his reason for being so unfriendly and Moses
replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush, I ended up spending forty years in
the desert.”

“My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It begins here
because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the
great and enduring alliances of modern times. From that alliance has come an era
of peace in the Pacific.” �George W. Bush, who apparently forgot about a little
something called World War II, Tokyo, and Feb. 18, 2002

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up
to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says,
“Honey, can I have a quickie?”

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women’s rights and
storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, “George, its pronounced ‘quiche’.”

Dear kindhearted friends…

Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help
those in need.

Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the
seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be
deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.

But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s
less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron
executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution
by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem, …but it’s
a start!

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it
could mean the difference between a vacation spent sucking ass in DC, golfing in
Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing
more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will
almost replace his per diem.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that
home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or
enjoy a weekend in Rio.

George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing
spin control on his past drug problems.”Dubya,” said his PR guy, “We’ve got to
know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college.””It’s true,”
replied Bush, “but it isn’t my fault.My parents were rich, and I was born with a
silver spoon in my nose.”

Faker jet figher (faker jet fighter)…
(instrumental intro)
Shrub’s comin’ at em, with his tail hook.
Let’s give him jeers of spite; Bush is still a schnook.
The press will grovel to this man, in fear
Of his right wing mob.
But the world sees a faker jet fighter…
Faker jet fighter.
Mr. Smirk’s fake glory on TV was planned.
Of the world, Dull Knife doesn’t understand.
Dim Son is smirking: his regime’s for sale.
It’s a heady job, but the world sees
A faker jet fighter…
Faker jet fighter.
(instrumental break)
Pro-Bush crowds, Rove stages with his big spin crew.
They’ll be fighting wars ‘gainst the weakest, too.
War won’t take much longer; makes the Bushies smile.
Dr. StrangeRove found that Bush ought to be
A faker jet fighter…
Faker jet fighter.
Faker jet fighter (faker jet fighter)…
Yes, they really love him on the looney Right.
Donors making millions from Bush, overnight.
World’s trust, Bush spurned it; Bush will rule by fear.
But he’s still a fake; he’ll always be
A faker jet fighter…
Faker jet fighter…
Faker jet fighter (faker jet fighter)…
Faker jet fighter (faker jet fighter)…
Faker jet fighter (faker jet fighter)…
Faker jet fighter (faker jet fighter)…
Faker jet fighter.

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.
He says, “Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?”

Jenna replies, “No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been
eating doughnuts?

“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job”
–George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

“This is a great day for France!”
–Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral

“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come
into the White House and start offering it up, you knows? … I bet if they did,
I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.'”
–George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan.
We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh…
setbacks.”
–George Bush

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy.
But that could change.”
–Dan Quayle

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right
here.”
–Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind–or not to have a mind. How true that
is.”
–Dan Quayle addressing the United White College Fund

“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that
is Maryland.”–William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more
caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.”
–George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what
drives me.”
–George Bush

“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re
in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and
medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.”
–Ronald Reagan

“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.
We begin bombing in five minutes.”
–Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that
the microphone was already on

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance
from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are
canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
–Dan Quayle

“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to
succeed.”
–Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn’t
have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine
up against his any time.

FOREIGN GOOFS

“Bite the wax tadpole.”
— Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

“Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.”
— ad slogan “Pepsi Comes Alive” as originally translated into Chinese

“I am a jelly doughnut”
–English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

“We pray for MacArthur’s erection.”
–sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a
run for President

“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
–from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

“It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.”
–Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

“I’m not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to
that.”–Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

“Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been
exposing himself to the people of the United States.”–Frank Licht, then
governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

“Retraction: The ‘Greek Special’ is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18
inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie’s Pizza would like to apologize for
any confusion Friday’s ad may have caused.”
–correction printed in The Daily Californian

“Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls
off! It’s rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for
the Padres!”
–Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

“I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and
then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your
hands?”
–announcer of children’s radio show “Life With Mother” to her audience