what did five fingers say to the face
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Category: body & health
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.’My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf’, says Little Red Riding Hood.The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.’My what big ears you have Mr, Wolf’, says Little Red Riding Hood.Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind some brush.’My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf’, taunts Little Red Riding Hood.With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, ‘Will you stop it, I’m trying to take a crap!’
What is the differnce
what is the difference between a crack seller and a whore????
a crack seller sells crack and uses it all up
but a whore whashes her crack and sells it angin!!!!!!!!
Women’s Breasts Like a Train Set
Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Cat Shooter
A mother is making soup. She turns to get a box of pepper but
no knowing it takes a box of b.b pellets. When she relizes it
she think to her self,”They are kinda like wieghts, they will
sink to the bottom and no one will get them.” After dinner she
is doing the dishes and her youngest comes and says,”Mommy, ii
swallowed a b.b.”
The mother comes out and says,”Are you ok?” “I’m ok, I’ll tell
you if anything is the matter.” The mother returns to doing the
dishes and then the middle child comes and says, ” hey mom i
swallowed a b.b.” Are you ok?” says the mother. “yes” says the
kid.
An hour later the teenager goes and says,”Mom this is a little
bit embarrasing, but when i was jerking off….I SHOT THE CAT!!!”
The Wish…..
There was this boy that lived with his mother.
One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying” I NEED A MAN”. Then he went to bed.
The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying”I NEED A MAN”.
On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.
Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying….I NEED A BIKE”……….
25 ways to cope with stress
25 Ways To Cope With Stress
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out.
See how many you can do at once.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says “Have a nice day,” tell them you have other
plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you’ve already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send them off to
pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them
from high places.
10. Leaf through a “National Geographic” and draw underwear on
the natives.
11. Tattoo “out to lunch” on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next
day.
13. Buy a subscription of “Sleezoid Weekly” and send it to your
boss’s wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell your boss to “blow it out of your mule” and let him/her
figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with ear wax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret
messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it
comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend
they’re in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Bonus. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place
it back in the wrapper.
Skiing
These three guys needed to stay at a hotel. The lady at the desk
said that there was only one room with a king size bed left. The
men said they’d take it. One guy slept on the right, the second
on the left, and the third in the middle. That night the three
guys all woke up at the same time. The first guy on the right
said, “I had a dream that some one was pulling on my dick.” The
second guy said, “I had the same dream!” The third guy that
slept in the middle said, “I had a dream that I was skiing!”
The Wasp
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a
wasp buzzed into the women’s vagina. The husband covered her
with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and
made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor
explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with a
forceps. He suggested that the husband try to entice it out by
putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as
soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he
was so nervous, he couldn’t rise to the occasion. “If neither of
you objects,” the medic said, “I could give it a try.” Under the
circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed,
slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband
watched with increasing alarm as the doctors thrusts continued
for several long minutes. “Hey, what the hell is happening?” he
finally asked. “Change of plans,” the physician panted. “I’m
going to drown the bastard!”
350 poender?
350 Pounder?
What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
Broke!
28AAAAA
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and
set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an
expensive department store and approached the sales lady in
lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAAA bra?” The clerk haughtily
replied in the negative
So she left the store and proceded to another department store
where she was given similar treatment.
After a third try at another department store in the mall, she
was very frustrated. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open
her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?” The lady
looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?”
The (nose) Pick List
THE KIDDIE PICK…When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK…When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.FAKE NOSE SCRATCH…When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT…You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.SURPRISE PICKINGS…When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.AUTOPICK…The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.PICK YOUR BRAINS…Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.PICK AND SAVE…When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.PICK AND ROLL…No explanation needed.PICK AND FLICK…Ditto.PICK AND STICK…You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.PAYDIRT…The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.