Yours Fun Portal !
10. You’ve got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you’re Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there’s no poo in the bowl.
The Clean poo – The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo- That’s the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, you’ve barely got your pants down and you’re done.
The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.
The ‘I-think-I’m-turning-into-a-bunny’ Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.
The ‘What-the-hell-died-in-here’ Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.
The ‘I-just-know-there’s-a-turd-still-dangling-there’ Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.
Have you seen the movie constipated asked one man no said the other man then the first man said thats because it hasent come out yet!!
Once there was this guy, lets call him Fred, who had a very small penis. Poor Fred thought if only he had larger equipment then maybe the chicks would like him more.
One day Fred went into the mens room and a very short man dressed in green was standing there peeing. Well, Fred couldn’t help but notice what an enourmous penis the man had and he said as much. “How did it get so big?” he asked incredulously.
“With magic,” the man replied, “I am a leprechaun.”
Fred was amazed. “Can you make mine that big?”
The leprechaun could and said he would if Fred would only do him a small favor…to bend over and let him have his way with Fred. Fred agreed and did so. When they were finished he pulled his pants back up and stood.
“How old are you boy?” the man in green asked as he stood at the door.
“Thirty. Why?”
“You’re thirty years old and you still believe in leprechauns?”
11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
10. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.
9. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not
worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it; a phenomenon
psychologists call “E-Mail Envy”.
7. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work
done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit stuff vital to
the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only
thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for
fun.
5. If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult
to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.
2. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into alot of
trouble.
And the number one reason why E-Mail is like a male reproductive organ:
IF YOU PLAY WITH IT TOO MUCH, YOU GO BLIND.
One spring day a stranger walked into a small town looking for a
job. He met up with a farmer who hired him as a farmhand to help
with the planting. On the way to the farm, which was thirty
miles away, the farmer asked the stranger what his name was. The
stranger said, “My name is John, just plain John.” “Everybody
has a last name,” the farmer said. “I don’t use my last name,
because I am embarrassed of it,” John said. Finally, after a lot
of pushing about his name, John said “My last name is
Five-fingers-up-my-ass.” “I’ll just call you John,” the farmer
said.
When they got to the farm, the farmer introduced the new hired
hand to his wife. Later that day while John was milking the
cows, she asked her husband about John’s last name. The farmer
replied, “Call him John, just plain John.” Her curiosity was not
satisfied, however, so she went to the barn to try to find out
what John’s last name was. After much pleading, John finally
said, “I’ll tell you my last name if you promise not to tell
anyone even your husband.” “I’ll never tell anyone,” she said.
“My last name is very embarrassing to me, it’s Fuck-me-quick.”
“I’ll just call you John,” she said as her face turned red.
Later that afternoon the farmer’s daughter came home from school
and was introduced to John. The next day she was watching John
while he did his work and asked him about his last name. After a
great deal of pestering, he made her promise not to tell, and
she agreed to keep quiet. “My last name is Cunt-itches.” he
said. “I’ll just call you John.” she said.
The summer went by with no problems with John’s work. After the
harvest that fall the wife said to her husband, “Now that the
crops are harvested, why don’t we take a vacation for a couple
of weeks. John can handle things here while we’re gone.” The
farmer agreed to talk to John about it that evening. That night
the farmer talked to John and he agreed to watch the farm. The
next day the family left. Two weeks passed and the farmer and
his family returned. They found an empty house, all their
valuables were gone, the cows were half starved and hadn’t been
milked in days. The farmer called the police, unfortunately John
was not found.
Two years went by, the family replaced most of their belongings,
and still no trace of John. One Fall day the farmer took his
family to the horse races at the county fair. After a few
minutes the daughter saw John on the other side of the track.
She got her mother’s attention and said, “Mom, Cunt-itches,
Cunt-itches.” “Well, scratch it,” her mother said. A few minutes
later she noticed John and said to her husband, “Fuck-me-quick,
Fuck-me-quick.” He replied, “Can’t you wait until we get home?”
Then he saw John. He stood up and yelled, “I’ll give twenty
dollars to any man who can get Five-fingers-up-my-ass!” Needless
to say, John got away.
Seems there was this woman who was troubled with overly big pussy lips. It
got to the point where they caused her great discomfort, even to walk.
Finally she decided to see her doctor about her situation. She described
her problem to him and asked if there was any kind of surgery he could
perform to make her back to normal. After assurring her that he could fix
the problem, she made him promise that this woould never get out and
no-one would know about it. “Don’t worry,” he said, “this is all
confidential.”
She had the surgery and when she awoke in her hospital room, she noticed
three beautiful red roses on her nightstand. Just then the doctor came in
the room to see how she was feeling. He told her that everything went well
and she should be able to go home the next day. “Thanks doc,” she said, “I
feel better already. By the way, do you know who the roses are from?”
“Well,” he said, “One is from me. That is something I do for all my
patients. The other one is from my wife.” “I thought you were going to
keep this confidential.” she said. “That’s ok,” the doctor told her, “I
talk to my wife about all my surgeries and she sends a rose to cheer up
the patient.” “Well, I guess that’s ok too, but what about the third rose,
who is that one from?” “Oh,” he said, “that’s from a guy on the fourth
floor burn unit, that’s his way of thanking you for his new ears.”
Q. Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.
Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.
To: All Male U.S. Citizens From: I.R.S. Service Center Re: Notice of increase in tax payments The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size.
——- The categories are as follows: ——- 10 – 12 inches…….Luxury Tax $
30.00 8 –
10……………Pole Tax $
25.00 5 –
8…………….Privilege Tax $
15.00 4 –
5…………….Nuisance Tax $
3.00
Males exceeding 12″ must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4″ is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! Sincerely, Pecker Checker I.R.S
Q What`s the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?
A When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!
how long does it take a black lady to take a shit???
9 months!!!!
A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.
He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.
Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.
When Gabriel asked him why it didn’t affect him, he said, “This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands”.