Category: body & health

There was two little boys in the hospital ready to
undergo surgery. (lets call them Jimmy and Billy) Jimmy asks
Billy,”What are you in here for?” Billy answers,”Im going to get
my tonsils taken out.” “WOW,” says Jimmy, “my sister got her
tonsils taken out and she had to eat ice cream for a week.” Then
Billy asks Jimmy,”What are you in here for?” Jimmy replies,”Im
going to get circumcised.”So Billy says,”Oh no, my parents told
me i got circumcised when i was born, and i didn’t walk for a
year.”

1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm. 2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you. 3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything. 4. You have the bladder capacity of five people. 5. You can identify the “positive teeth to tattoo” ratio. 6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change. 7. You find humor in other people’s stupidity. 8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac. 9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see. 10. You have your weekends off planned for a year. 11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin. 12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint. 13. You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don’t have to deal with them anymore. 14. You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a diagnosis. 15. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce. 16. You plan what you’re going to prepare for dinner while performing gastric lavage. 17. You believe that “ask-a-nurse” is an evil plot thought up by Satan. 18. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy it sure is quiet around here.” 19. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers. 20. You refer to Friday as “dump day”. 21. You believe chocolate is a food group. 22. When someone calls you a bitch and you take it as a compliment. 23. When you are out in public you complement a complete stranger on their “Great Veins.” 24. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care facility” 25. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate. 26. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a celestial transfer. 27. You ever answered a “lost condom” phone call. 28. When you refer to a pt. in respiratory distress as a “smurf.” 29. Your idea of a really good time is dueling shock rooms. 30. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide… getting it right the first time.” 31. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis. 32. You have ever had to leave a pt’s room before you begin laughing uncontrollably. 33. You have ever wanted to reply “yes” when someone calls asking, “Is my Mother (father, etc.) there? 34. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER. 35. You have ever issued a “dead head alert”. 36. You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a “Shit magnet”. 37. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion. 38. You think caffeine should be available in IV form. 39. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. 40. The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is “What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?” 41. You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, “Who’s in charge of this mess anyway?” 42. When you mention vegetables you’re not referring to the food group. 43. You have used the words “healthcare reform” to strike fear in your co-worker’s hearts. 44. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick. 45. You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips. 46. You believe a “supreme being consult” is your pts only hope. 47. You want to order a “dumbshit profile”. 48. You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say, “No I don’t worry about birth control… I’ve been irradiated.” 49. You believe that your patient is demonically possessed. 50. Your patient states, “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone
about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good
shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he
could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could
tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the
bullet hole. This was a bit too much for the other customers,
and soon a heated argument started.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would
put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and
took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, “Springbok.”
Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, “And it was shot
with a .22 rifle.” He was right! The others could not believe it
and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone
suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared
to do it again for another round.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and
they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk
of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said,
“Kalahari Lion.” Fingering the bullet hole, he added, “The rifle
was a .308.” He was right again! This only made the crowd more
curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again,
every time winning a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to
sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he
had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, “Listen, I
know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I
didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?” His
wife replied angrily, “From me!” “What did I do?” he asked. She
replied, “You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties.
Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with
an ax!'”

What do you get when the Pillsberry Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts!

what is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
you don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

One day when Cinderella was doing her chores, a letter came in
the mail about a ball that was going to be that night. So she
thought, wow, I get to go to my first ball! Right before she was
about to go and get changed one of her step-sisters came and
grabbed the letter out of her hand. Her step-sister told her
she wasn’t aloud to go, but she wanted to go so bad!!! That
night while the ball was going on, her fairy godmother came and
told her she will make her a different person so she could go to
the ball.

“That is not the problem fairy godmother,” Cinderella said

“What is,” asked the godmother

Cinderella then said, “I have my period, so I don’t want to
bleed all over the place.”

Her Godmother said, “Well that is an easy problem to solve, I
will give you a magic tampon, but when the clock strikes 12:00
it will turn into a pumkin, so you need to change it before
then.”

“Ok ok,” said Cinderella, “I will Thank You Godmother!”

So Cinderella went to the ball and was having so much fun! Well
12:00 rolled around, and she was still dancing and having a
great time! So the fairy godmother told herself, ok I will give
her until 1:00. 1:00 came around, and she still hadn’t changed
it. So then the godmother said to herself, i will give her
until 1:30 no later.

1:30 came around and still she hadn’t taken it out, but the
godmother said to herself “oh well, i have to change it into a
pumpkin!” When Cinderella came home at 3:00 in the morning, the
fairy godmother said to her, “so did it change to a pumpkin?”

Cinderella told her, ” Yes, but I didn’t care, I meant someone
named Peter Peter.”

Cocks do not have hands, why?
-Because chickens do not have breasts

THERE WAS A LITTLE BOY WHO WAS LATE FOR SCHOOL WHEN HE WALKED IN THE CLASS THE TEACHER SAID WHY ARE YOU LATE HE SAID I WAS ON TOP OF GIGER HILL AND THEN A 2ND KID WALKED IN AND THE TEACHER SAID AGAIN WHERE WERE YOU YOUNG MAN HE SAID”I WAS ON TOP OF GINGER HILL” THEN THE FINAL KID WALKED IN AND THE TEACHER SAID LET ME GEUSS YOU WERE ON TOP OF GIGER HILL AND HE SAID “YES” THEN A NEW GIRL WALKED IN WITH THE OWNER OF THE SCHOOL AND THE TEACHER ASKED WHAT IS YOUR NAME YOUNG LADY SHE SAID “MY Name is GINGER HILL” SHE LOOKED AT THE BOYS AND GRABBED THERE EARS AND SAID I WILL BE SEEING YOU KIDS AFTER CLASS IS OVER AFTER CLASS WHEN SHE WAS DONE TALKIN TO THEM BOYS WE NEVER SAW THEM 2 BOYS AND THAT ONE YOUNG GIRL AGAIN WONDER WERE THE NEXT BOY IS LATE WILL BE MAYBE CHELSY HILL OR EVEN JUBIC HILL!!

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a ‘Cunt Pump’.GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a ‘substantial’ amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a ‘staggering turd’ over period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

What’s the best thing to come out of a penis?

The wrinkles!

Q. Did you hear the one about the Polish woman giving blood? A. She spent 3 hours wringing out her old tampons. Q. Why did Arkansas have so many floods after the Clintons moved to Washington? A. Cause Hillary took all the dikes with her

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one
was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The
doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while
he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed
and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet
and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The
doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. “Hit him
again,” the 5-year-old said, “he shouldn’t have crawled up there in the
first place!”