Category: body & health

you are so bald, that when you wear a turtlenck shirt u look like a broken condom.

yo mamma so fat that your tits are real

A mexican a black guy and a white guy ran away from home and found a place to stay. The only rule was that they could not go in the basment. On day 3 they went down in the basment. There were alot of dicks taped to the walls the three boys ran up the stairs but the man cought them on the stairs and sayed “you went in the basment”. The three boys started saying that they wouldent tell but he shut them up then sayed “now i have to take yours to. He asked the black guy what his father did as a job he sayed “a lumberjack” the guy said he would have to saw his off. then he asked the white guy he said a hair cutter so he would have to cut his off. Then the mexican started laghing the guy said “what is so funny” then the mexican said “my dads the lolly pop man so you can just come overhere and suck mine off”.

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You’ve got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3. You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting my
penis erect, can you help me?”

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the
problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis
are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except if
you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?” “Well,” the doctor
explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a
baby elephant and implant them in your penis.”

Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for
it.”

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to
use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the
city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs
that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately
sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a
dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,
“That was incredible! Can you do that again?”

Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I’m not sure I can fit another
dinner roll up my ass!”

your mamma is so old when she breast feeds it comes out as powder

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma, “Where’s Mom and dad?” and she replied, “they’re up in
bed.” The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and
went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma “where’s
Mom and Dad?” and she replied “they’re still up in bed.” Again
the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went
out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked
his grandma “where’s Mom and dad?” and his grandmother replied
“they’re still up in bed.” The little boy started to laugh
and his grandmother asked, “what gives? Every time I tell you
they’re still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on
here?”

The little boy replied, “well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue.”

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says “Earthling take me to your leader!”
He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. “Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!”
Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says, “If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!”

The second Alien replies “O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block.”

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time.

“Earthling take me to your leader!”
No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.

He then says to the second Alien “If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?”

The second replies “I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!”

One day a man walked into a Whore House and told the woman
behind the counter he wanted to eat pussy since he’s never done
it before. She told the man to go down the hall to room 5. So he
went to room 5 and he saw a beautiful woman inside, he walked in
and started eating her pussy. After a while some corn came out
of it, but since it was his first time he thought it was normal
and just kept going. Soon after that a half eaten carrot came
out. Now he was a little worried but he just kept going. Then
a few minutes later a big piece of beef came out.

So then he asked the woman “Are you sick or something?”

The woman replied “No but the guy before you was.”

the dick said to the pussy can i park there
the pussy said sure but do it hard
the dick said i will
only if the mouth sucks me
if the licking starts at me said the pussy
the dick said i am 20inches long
the pussy said ok
the dick said lets get start

p.s. you might get relly horny

This guy is at a dance and spots a really great looking girl at
the next table facing him. So he walks over to her and asks if
she would like to dance. She said, “I don’t dance.” He then
takes her by the hand to lift her up when he notices she was in
a wheelchair. Feeling terrible he apologizes and says, “Allow me
to take you on a date to make up for what I have done.” She
agrees to the next Saturday night.

He arrives to pick her up and meets her father, who is about 6’6
and 260lbs who informs him to be good to his little girl. They
go to a drive-in and see a R rated movie and the guy gets pretty
worked up but her being the way she was he does nothing except a
lot of kissing.

On the way home she says she was surprised that he has not tried
anything, and that she was horny as hell. He asks, “What can we
do with the way you are?” She replies, “Stop at the big oak tree
on the way home and

They stop and she says, “Carry me over to the tree.” He does and
finds two ropes hanging down with loops in the bottoms. She
says, “Put each one of my legs in the rope and we can get
started.” He does and they are there for about two hours before
he takes her home.

On the way home she says, “I just have to tell my dad about what
a great time I had tonight and what a great lover you are!” He
pleads for her not to and thinks he can get her to the door and
be gone before she can do so.

When they arrive at the door her dad opens it when they walk up.
She tells him as soon as the door is opened and the father grabs
the guy by the arm and says, “I want to shake your hand, because
they usually leave her hanging in the tree and I have to go get
her down.”

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day
he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that
they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his
teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact
place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the
route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn’t know where to go so he asked someone for
directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to
go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would
be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the
building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied.
“Bowels no move!”

“Oh,” said the druggist. That’s no problem. Take this twice a day for a
week.” he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. “Hello,” said the
druggist. “Did that medicine work?”

“Bowels still no move!” said the Indian.

“Well, well,” said the druggist. “It appears that we will have to use
something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week.”

The Indian left and one week later he returned. “Hello again,” said the
druggist. “How are you doing?”

“Bowels still no move!” said the Indian.

“Oh my goodness!” said the druggist. “This really calls for something
drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight
times a day for a week.”

The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him
he asked, “bowels move?”

“Bowels have to move” said the Indian. “Teepee full of shit.”