Category: body & health

Yo mama is so nasty I asked her what we were having for dinner tonight and she opened her legs and said crabs.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We better hurry up and get some support before they all think were nuts!

New IRS Tax Policy

GOVERNMENT NOTICE

January 1, 1995
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to it’s size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

*12-10 inches –Luxury Tax –$50.00
10-8 inches –Pole Tax –$30.00
8-6 inches –Privilege Tax –$15.00
6-4 inches –Nuisance Tax –$5.00

Please Note:
-Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.
– * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services

seven wise men with knowledge so fine
created a pussy to their design
first was a butcher
with smart wit
using a knife he gave it a slit
second was a carpenter
strong and bold
with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole
third was a tailor
tall and thin
by using red velvet he lined it within
fourth was a hunter
short and stout
using fox fur he lined it without
fifth was a fisherman
nasty as hell
he therew in a fish and gave it a smell
fifth was a preacher
whose name was mcgee
he touched it and blessed it
and said it could pee
last was a sailor
a dirty little runt
he sucked it and fucked it
and called it a cunt

by sarah from newcastle

One fine summer day, a man took his 6 year-old daughter to the
beach. This was in fact a nude beach. So, they got undressed and
laid on the beach towel. The little girl saw the man’s penis and
asked, “Daddy, what’s that?” He replied, “That’s my bird. Don’t
touch my bird. He’ll get mad.” So, the little girl left the bird
alone and started to make a sand castle. Time goes by and she
realizes that her daddy was sleeping. The bird was staring right
at her, so she decides to go and pet it. The man wakes up in the
hospital. He asks his daughter, “What happened? Why am I in the
hospital?” She says, “Well, I saw your lonely bird just sitting
there, and I wanted to pet it. So I did. The next thing I knew,
he stood up and spit all over me! So, I burned its nest, smashed
its eggs, and broke its neck.”

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. ”So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” They ask. ”It’s pretty nice,” she replies. ”Except they won’t let you fart”

7 wise men with knowlege so fine built a pussy to their own desighn 1st was a buthcher with good wit with a knife he gave it a slit 2nd was a carpenter who had a big mole with a hammer and chisel he gave ot a hole 3rd was a hunter short and stout with a piece of fox fur he lined it without 4th was a designer tall and thin with a piece of red velvet he lined it 5th was a fisherman who whipped out a fish and chucked it in and gave it a smell last was a sailsman dirty little runt he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time
came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on
them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well,
the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report,
so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie.
“Well I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next
door shot himself.”

There were these three guys. Two were white, and one was
black. They comitted a horrible crime and went to Hell. When
they got there they were praying for there life, even though
they were dead. The first white guy said to the devil “Please
let me go back to Earth, you can do any thing as long as I can
go back!” So the devil says “Pull down your pants” so the guy
does. The devil sticks his hand in fire and burns the guys dick
off. The guys is gone.
The second white guy says “Please let me go back to Earth you
can do whatever you want to me just let me go back” The devil
says “Pull your pants down” So the guys does and the devil
sticks his hand in fire and burns the mans dick off. And poof
he is gone. The black guy says “Please let me go back to Earth
you can do wahtever you want to me just let me go back!” So the
devil says “pull your pants down” so the guy does. The devil
sticks his hand in fire and wraps his hand around the guys dick.
Nothing happens. He tries again. Nothing happens. The devil
says “Whats wrong with you !!!??”
And the black guy says “Milk chocolate melts in your mouth not
in your hand”.

This is a trick that you can play on your friend or anyone else
that you want. However, I must warn you that whomever you are
playing the trick on, should have clean hands. You will see why
by the time you read this. So, this is what you do…

1. Hold your hands apart about a foot going up and down. (This
will be the “pretend” female body needed for this trick).

2. Tell your friend to close their eyes (make sure they are
closed or the joke won’t be good).

3. Tell you friend, still with their eyes closed, to point
between your two hands, where the head of the woman would be.
(then, they will, hopefully, point close to the hand farthest up
in the air).

4. Then tell them to point to the feet of the body (they should
point close to the hand lowest in the air).

5. Then, tell them to point to the vagina of the woman (no
matter where they point get your mouth around their finger.
This, to your friend, will feel like the vagina and they will
freak out!)

Now you see why their hands should be clean!

A little corporate humor
———————-
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?”

“Well,” he explained, “our parent company recently hired some Andersen
Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after
months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop
spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time…nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift.
Just as he concluded, a “ch-ching” came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.
“I’ll grab another spoon the next time I’m in the kitchen instead of
making a special trip,” he proudly explained.
I was impressed. “Thanks. I had to ask.”
“No problem,” he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted
back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter’s fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. “Excuse me, but…uh…why, or what…about that string?”
“Oh, yeah” he began in a quieter tone. “Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men’s room, too.” “How’s that, I asked?”
“You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves, we can
pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate
the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over
93%!” “Oh, that makes sense,” I said, but then thinking through the
process, I asked, “Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the other guys; but I use
the spoon in my pocket”!

01. -You’ve got a hole in your head.
02. -Your master strangles you all the time.
03. -Your head is smaller than the rest of you
04. -You shrink in cold water.
05. -You never get a haircut.
06. -You always hang around with 2 nuts.
07. -Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
08. -Your best friend is a pussy.
09. -Your scalp gets cut off if you’re Jewish.
10. -Everytime you get excited, you throw up.