Category: body & health

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”

The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

This guy was driving along a street when his car broke down. Then he notice a house with an old man and his beatiful sexy daughter inside. The guy went over to the old guy and asked him if he could spend the night at his house. Then the old guy said yes but the old guy said “Ionly have one rule this house is taht you shall not have sex with my daughter.” Then the guy said yea sure why not man. Then at dinner when the old guy went to get dessert the daughter said would you like to go to my room for a little smacking the pod. Then the guy said “OK.” THen the daughter went up then ten minutes later the guy went up. Then he went to her room and got it on. When they were finished he said “That was the best BJ that i have ever had in my whole life.” Then he said thnak you then she said your welcome . Then he went to his room and went to bed. In the morning he woke up and saw a rock on top of his sheets and said “What the fuck is that doing there?” Then he took the rock and through it out of the window quickly notice a string and the string said attach to right nut then he said oh shit. Then he cut the string, then he said thank god, then he throws his covers off of him and notice another string what the fuck is up with these strings then he takes the string and throws it out the window and just when gets up and goes to his door he notices another string and the string said string tied to left nut. Then he says oh shit oh shit, then he runs to the window and jumps out of the window and notices another string and the string said string tied to branch tied to dick.

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said “No.”I kept thinking, “Oh My, that child has had an accident and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have had, cause the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?” This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled “See MOM, IT’S JUST GAS!!” While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing had happened. I was mortified! But some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy’s skirt. “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!” she shouts. “DON’T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!” The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below. By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further. “What do you mean?” he asks.”Well, why don’t you put your hand down there?” while pointing to her privates. “HELL NO!” he cries. “You’ve got teeth down there.” “No I don’t,” she responds. “Yes you do,” he says. “My mom told me that you do.” “No I don’t,” she insists. “Here, look for yourself.” With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. “No, I’m sorry” he says. “My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.” “Oh for Christ’s sake!” she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, “Look, I don’t have any teeth down there.” He replies, “Well, with the condition of those gums I’m not surprised.”

a lady one day, was going to buy herself a donut and coffee
when she got banged. Another lady came and said, “hey you okay?
You just got banged!”
“That was wonderful. i want to go again”, she said and ran
for another car.
That night she met up with her friend at a local Bar.
“you banged any men today?” her friend said.The lady said
nothing.
“Well i got banged by a couple cars”, she said ashamed.
“Hey i used to do that,until i heard this joke. After i
heard it, it wasn’t so funny!” her friend said.
“What was the joke?”
“why did the prostitute cross the road?”
“What happened?”
“Because she wanted to get BANGED!”

A young couple entered in a most embarrasing date contest and
won by a mile. Here is their stroy:

Two young people, Dave and Diane, were set up on a date to go
sking in the mountians. They were driving up the mountian side
and Diane had to use the washroom. “Can’t you wait until we get
there?” Dave asked. Diane waited. A little while later, Diane
couldn’t hold it any longer, “Either you pull over or I go in
your car!” Dave pulled the car over.

Diane got out and leaned against the fendor while taking a whiz.
When she was done, she was horrified to find her butt frozen to
the fendor. She sheepishly called Dave. To their disgust, they
agreed that the only way she could be freed was if Dave peed on
her butt to thaw it out. The embarrased couple’s plan worked,
and after that date they never saw each other again.

Q: what did the left knee say to the right knee?
A: Check out those nuts there launching off a rocket.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have
this
problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My
farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact,
I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your
office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell
and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see
me next week.”

The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t
know
what the heck you gave me, but now my farts…although still
silent…stink
terribly.

“The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your
sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

Q: What kind of bees make milk?

A: BOO-BEES

there was a man named mr. murphy and he lived in a nursing home. one day his nurse came in and he said “guess what”” and she replied with “”what”” and he said my penis died today. the next day she saw him walking around the halls with his penis hanging out of his gown and the nurse said “”mr. murphy put that away this instant.”” he said “”well i told you my penis died”” she said “”that is no reason to have it hanging out of your gown”” then he said “”today is the veiwing!!””

“

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute’s terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, “What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.”

The prostitute snapped back, “What do you want to do, knit or fuck?”

Have you heard about the latest diet?You’re allowed to eat anything you like, but only in the presence of naked fat people.