Category: body & health

A man walks in to the U.S. Patent Office with a sack of apples.
“I’d like to patent these apples,” he says to the patent clerk.

The clerk tells him, “You can’t patent apples, silly!”

The man says, “But these are special apples. There are none like
these in the world!”

Curious, the clerk asks him if he can taste one of the apples.
He reaches into his sack, pulls one out and gives it to the
clerk, who promptly takes a bite. “Wow! This tastes just like a
grapefruit!”

The man smiles and says to the clerk, “turn it over.”

The clerk takes a bite out of the other side of the apple and
exclaims “Man! That tastes just like an orange! What else do you
have in there?”

The man gives him another one and the clerk bites into it. “How
do you do this? This one tastes just like a pear!” Says the
clerk.

“Turn it over”, says the man again.

“Holy Cow, this side tastes like watermelon!”

Then the clerk leans in close to the man and whispers, “Hey
buddy, do you have any apples in there that taste like pussy?”

The man reaches into his sack again, pulls out another apple,
and hands it to the clerk. After taking a bite, the clerk starts
spitting the apple back out as fast as he can.

“Hey jerk,” yells the clerk, “This tastes just like shit!”

The man smiles and says… “Turn it over!”

Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to
touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the
Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press
since no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button
until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and
grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press
911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are
too busy to help worthless people like you.

And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

Why does Tigger bounce on his tail?

So he doesnt step on Poo.

One day a little boy comes downstairs for breakfast and asks his
grandma wheres mom and dad? The grandma say “There still in
bed”. The little boy laughs eats his breakfast and goes outside
and plays. He comes back in at lunch and asks wheres mom and
dad? The grandma says “There still in bed”. THe little boy
laughs eats his lunch and goes outside and plays. He comes back
in at dinner time and asks his grandma wheres mom and dad? The
grandmas says “There still in bed”. So the little boy laughs,
and his grandma asks “Why do u laugh every time I tell u there
still in bed?” The little boy says “Well, last night dad came
in my room and woke me up and asked me if he could have the
vaseline and I gave him superglue instead.”

One day a lady went to get 2 tattoos done. One of Mike Tyson on
the inside of her upper right leg and one of Oscar de la Hoya on
her upper left leg. When the tattoos were done she was not
satisfied and decided to file charges on the man who made the
tattoos. On the first day of the court case the judge asked the
woman to explain her point of view of the story, and so she did.
Then the judge asked her politely to lay on the table and spread
her legs open, and so she did. (she did not like to wear panties
and so she didn’t have any on that day and she did not shave
that day either) The judge went closer to her and looked closely
at the tattoos, he then said “well that certainly does not look
like Mike Tyson and that certainly does not look like Oscar de
la Hoya but that certainly looks identical to Don King.

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says, “My cock is longer than that cat’s tail.”

A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.

But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, “Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat’s tail from?”

“From the asshole.” says the bartender.

“Well, kindly do me the same favor.”

a carrot lettuce and a dick were talking

the carrot said i have a terrible life they cook me or eat me raw

the lettuce said you think you have a terrible life they cut me up and put me in salads

the dick said you think you got it bad they wrap me up put me in a dark cave and make me do 100 push-ups

What’s the dumbest part of a man’s body?

His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.

An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about
the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the
establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by
a Herculean body builder.

“I’d like some information about the club.”

“Well”, says the body builder, “this is a great club. We have a
number of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience,
and the fees are $5,000 per year.”

“$5,000!!!!” the old man nearly passes out..

“We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of,”
says the body builder, “but before you enter you’ll have to
remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club.”

The old man thinks about it for a moment, but figures, “why not.”

The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge
chair. He sits back and looks at all the beautiful women, naked
women, all about him. The site begins to stimulate him and he
develops the largest erection he has had since he was a teenager.

Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde runs over to him and jumps on his
lap. She proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him.

An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers
into the lobby and slaps down the $5000.

“You know,” says the body builder, “you have a week to make up
your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?”

The old man tells the story, “This place is great. I haven’t had
an experience like this in years.”

Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the
pool area and orders a cigar. Walking back to his lounge chair,
he drops the cigar.

While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from
behind by a homosexual. “Auuugh, Stop!!, Stop!!”, screams the
old man, but to no avail. Ten minutes later it’s over.

The old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his
$5,000 back from the body builder.

“But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club.
What has changed your mind?”

After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder
begs the old man to reconsider. “Think about the women you can
meet. “Don’t let this one incident affect your decision.”

“Son”, says the old man, “I get an erection maybe once a month,
but I drop my cigar at least three times a day!”

Apples are red, Limons are sour open your legs and let me give you some power.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
end of it? A death.

What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an
old age home.

You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch,
you go to work.

You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for
high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, spend your last nine months floating…then finish off as
an orgasm.

Ohio Stae was wondering why the mans penis was shaped like it was. They ask the goverment for a millions dollars to study it. The study last a year and the report was to give the female more satisfaction during sex. Norte Dame was not satisfied with the answer and they too ask for a million dollars to study it. After studying it for a year they came back and said it was to give the male more satisfaction during sex. Flordia was not satisfied with the studies so they ask for a six pack and called the next day and said it was to keep your hand from sliding off while masterbating.