Category: body & health

i

There was these two people who were at a nude beach. A wasp flew
into the lady’s pussey. She screamed and said something just
went into my pussey. The man rushed her to the hospital.

When they got there the doctor, Billy Bob, said that a wasp had
entered her vagina and it was going to be difficult to get it
out. He said that the guy would have to put honey on the end of
his dick to lure the wasp out. The man failed to get horny at a
time like this so the doctor immediately offered to do the job.

The doctor undressed and put the honey on his dick. He went back
and forth and shouted,”Fiesty little sucker aren’t you!” He went
faster and harder. The man said,”Excuse me” but all the doctor
said was,”Shh, I’m just getting the hang of it!” The man
shouted,”You fucking moron! What the hell are you doing?!” The
doctor said breaking a sweat,”Change of plans, I decided to
drown the little bastard!”

MY DADS SO BALD, WHEN HE WASHES HIS HAIR HE GETS A BRAIN WASH!HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?

“Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”?

“A seagull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked increduously.

“Well…”, said the pirate, “..it was also my first day with the hook.”

A few years ago, I applied for a job at Kodak. I made it through all the interviews with flying colours, and the only thing left was the drug test. I was confident in passing, but there was one slight problem: I have *very* shy kidneys. I’ve had to sneak out of the doctor’s office on more than one occasion, because I can’t “go” and fill up a cup on command. Usually, this is a good thing, as I can go to a concert or football game, drink beer all day, and be fine until I get home, while my friends are standing in line in the bathrooms several times during the same time period.So, to prepare, on the morning I had to take the test, I drank my usual 10-cup pot of coffee, and several large glasses of water, and for the 20-minute trip to Kodak, I filled a plastic gallon jug with water, and finished it off on the way. Now, Kodak has huge parking lots, each containg hundreds and hundreds of cars, and by the time I got there, the visitor’s lots were pretty full, and I had to park way in the back.As soon as I got out of my car, I’m thinking, “Good, it worked, I think I can go!” By the time I’d finished the 10-minute walk to the entrance, I was thinking, “Boy, no problems now, I can *definitely* go!”To get in, I had to go past a security hut. I told them why I was there, and they told me where to report, about another 10-minute walk, a little ways into the plant. I had to pass building after building before I got to the right one, every step of the way, becoming actually painful, and before I was there, I was looking at bushes and doorways and the like, thinking, “Well, if it gets too bad, I could go there, or maybe there, or…”By the time I got to the right building, I was just about in agony. I found the right area, and the receptionist told me to take a seat with about 8 other people. I sat down, thinking that would help, but 10 seconds later I was up, walking around, trying to read stuff on the wall, anything to keep my mind occuppied, but managing to read 5 or 10 words, and then having to pace again.Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, and after having asked the girl a couple of times how long, I told her, “look, either you get me in *now*, or I use the bathroom over there, and we reschedule!!” She said she’d see what she could do, and left. I went back to sit down, and it took all of 5 seconds before I was up pacing again. She came back a few minutes later, and told me to go on in.When I got to the actual room, there were 4 people standing in line. I hopped up and down a couple of times, before I passed the others, went to the nurses, and told them I have to go **NOW**!!! They asked the others in line if anyone objected, and they said no, so they said as soon as one of the 2 bathrooms come free, I could go. I snatched the cup out of his hand, and practically raced down the aisle to the bathrooms and just stood waiting. It couldn’t have been more than 20 seconds or so, but they were some of the most agonizing seconds of my life!!Finally, one of the doors opened, and I nearly flattened some poor girl coming out in my rush to get in. I closed the door, grabbed my pants, breathed in, and dropped them and then my underwear, and then the world caved in… I started going. And going. And going. I could have knocked down the Berlin wall with the force! But the problem was, that I couldn’t “grab” it!! It was whipping around like one of those Water Wiggle things. I’m trying like heck to reign it it in, but just couldn’t. I’m dancing around in a circle, with my pants around my ankles, trying to grab it, and it was just about impossible for probably a good 15 seconds. Finally, I did, and was able to aim in the toilet, just remembering at the end to put a shot or two in the cup to put on the little shelf. By the time I’d stopped, I was physically spent, and just leaned up against the wall, feeling like I’d just run a marathon…It was then that was able to survey the bathroom. It was a room, about 7×7, but my god… I had finished the most intense pee of my life in the john, but before I’d gained control, I’d soaked the entire toilet, the sink, the floor, the walls. You name it, it was drenched — including my pants and underwear. I tried soaking it up with toilet paper (using the whole roll as a sponge), but that was drenched and didn’t work that well. I’d also soaked the extra rolls on the back of the toilet, the paper towel holder, and the extra roll of paper towels. I went through the garbage, pulling out half-soaked old towels, just trying to make the place semi-presentable, as in the sink and the mirror, but it didn’t do much good. I was just ending up pushing the wet around, so I finally gave up.Steeling myself, I pulled up my wet underwear, then my wet pants, and pulled down my semi-wet shirt as much as possible, and went out. I whipped back up the aisle, thanking the nurse, without slowing down, and out the door as fast as my legs would carry me, imagining what the next person to use that bathroom would encounter. The silver lining: I got the job!!

This lady went to go get a tatoo.Her enitials were B&B.She got her enitials on her butt cheeks, a b on each cheek.Then she went home to show her husband, so she bent over, pulled down her pants and her husband asked who BOB is!!

A navy seals and a marine walk into a restroom they both use the restroom. The navy seal washed his hands and the marine just walked out. The navy seal walks to him and says “In the navy they teach us to wash our hands.”

The marine says, “In the marines the teach us not to piss on our hands.”

GIRLS USE BRAZIERS TO HIDE DEFECTS,MAKE POEPLE FOOL,INSIDE LOOSE SMALL UNBALANCED FOAM, OUTLOOK 36-38,ITS LIE FAKE N FRAUD

A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk,
the receptionist asked “Yes sir, may we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick.” He replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a
crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.” He said.

“We do not use language like that here.” She said. “Please go outside and
come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ear or
whatever.”

The man shrugged his shoulders, walked out, waited several minutes and
re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear.” He stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear,
sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it.” The man replied.

What do snowmen have that snowwomen don’t?

Snowballs!

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no
arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in
the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the
guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the
bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He
can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he
decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the
head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the
side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and
spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, “Three
facking years I’ve spent learning to swim with my Facking ears,
then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming
cap on me.”

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to “I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.”

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures 25 cents.” “Why not?” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents.” The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his “thing” into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his “thingy”…

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.