Category: body & health

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!”The other woman turned to her and said “I know! I heard it snoring!”

Defination of a BRA:
Holder of the Boulder from the Shoulder.

Full form of MBBS (Degree awarded on completion of the graduation course in Medicine and Surgery) :
Member of Big Bowls Society.

Full form of FRCS (Fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons):
Fooling Round the Country Side.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it’s a gay bar, but decides, “What the heck, I really want a drink.”

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy, “What’s the name of your penis?”
Guy: Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
Waiter:I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called ‘Nike” for the slogan ‘Just Do It’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his ‘Snickers’ because ‘It Really Satisfies’.

The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he’ll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks, “Hey, bud, what’s the name of your penis?”
Other customer: Timex!
First guy: Why Timex?
Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.
First guy:What’s the name of your penis?
Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?

Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.
Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is “Secret’!
Waiter: (pouring beer) Why ‘Secret’?
Guy:(proudly) Because it’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

When do men get horny?
When they look in the mirror

The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:

1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) beetween the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.

2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

On their wedding night, a couple sit down and discuss the ground
rules for their marriage.

Wife- When i get home from work i will signal to you with my
hair to tell you if i want sex. If my hair is fully done up that
means i do not want sex. If my hair is partly done up that means
i may or may not want sex. If hair is completely let down that
means i want wild untamed sex. Got it?

Husband- Yes darling, these are my sex signals. If i get home
from work and have one can of beer that means i do not want sex.
If i have two cans of beer i may or may not want sex. If i have
three cans, your hair doesn’t matter.

in a small town there lived 3 boys.teir names were john, greg,
and the smallest one with a squeaky voice,dan.they went to the
woods to hang out.it got dark and they couldn’t find their way
back.dan spotted a light and they thoughti was the town. as they
got nearer they saw it was a little house. they knocked on the
door. and an old lady answered.they told her what happened. she
felt bad for them and told them that they could eat dinner and
sleep the night at her house as long as they didn’t go in the
basement.as soon as the old lady fell asleep they tip toed down
to the basement.on the walls in picture frames there were
dicks.the old lady came in smiling.”i told you not to go here.
now i’m gonna have to cut yours of too.” she said. she went to
john and said asked him what his daddy did.”my dads a surgeon”
he said.so she took his of surgically. gregs dad was a butcher.
the old lady copped his of.she went to dan but to her surprise
he was laughin histerically.” what are you laghing about?” she
asked. well, he said, my daddy sells lollipops… i guess your
gonna have to suck mine of.

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were
either physically abusive, who ran away from her, or who were
horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking
for a man who:

1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn’t run away from her,
3)would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she
just figured that there wasn’t a man alive who could live up to
these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she
heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front
porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or
legs. The man said “I’m here about the ad you put in the paper.
As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have
no legs so I can’t run away from you.”

The woman replied, “Yes, but are you good in bed?”

And the man said with a smirk on his face, “How do you think I
rang the doorbell?”

There’s this young couple, Louise and Al, they’ve been married for about a year, and the bride isn’t getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She’s getting increasingly rampant as the days go on,
but each night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al’s first words are, “Right woman, get upstairs – into the bedroom.”

“YES!” she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, “This is the night, I’m gonna get some!”

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties – ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, “Right, now get your clothes off!”

Louise doesn’t need telling twice, it’s off with everything. “Now get over in front of the mirror..,”

“Kinky!” she thinks. “Great!”

“and do a handstand…”

“Oh god, I’ve been waiting for this for ages,” thinks Louise…

Al walks over to Louise, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch… “Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!”

Once there was a women named Mrs. Owens, she goes to the doctor,
and when she gets there she gets undressed and the doctor comes
in.
The doctor couldn’t help saying, “Mrs. Owens I couldn’t help
noticing, but you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen”.
So when she gets home she decides to see for her self.
She takes a BIG mirror off of the wall and she puts it on the
floor, then she gets undressed and stands on the mirror and
spreds her legs, then she hears her husband walk in from work
early, he comes in and says “what the hell are you doing?!” she
says “I’m excercising”. He says “well, be careful not to fall
in that BIG hole there”.

if i were a robot,
and you were one too,
if i lost a nut,
would you give me a screw?