Category: body & health

Your head is so big, your brain is contagious.

Patient: Doctor,Doctor… I’ve got five penises!
Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit?
Patient: Like a glove!

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him “inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don’t press the third one.” Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him…..”what happened?” Mark asks shakily. “Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital.” “Why do my privates hurt so bad?” Mark asked anxiously..John replies “Well you activated the automatic tampon remover.”

Finally, something other than Smiley faces … 🙂

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

(+)(+) Fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) High nipple breasts

(@)(@) Big nipple breasts

00 A cups

{O}{O} D cups

(oYo) Wonderbra breasts

(^)(^) Cold breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced breasts

(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts

o/o/ Grandma breasts

( – )( – ) Flat against the Shower Door breasts

IoIIoI Android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy’s breasts

And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked
the woman, “Is there anything you would like changed?”

She replied, “Yes, could you get rid of the middle breast?”

And so it was done, and it was good.

The the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in
her hand, “What can be done with this useless boob?”

And God created man.

When do you have a very cold stripper?

Once in a blue moon. (hence the cold butt sticking out)

What is long….hard…and filled with semen?

A submarine!!! get it? SEA MEN

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.

MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.

The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!

Once there was a small classroom in a decent school. One day,
Ms Young, the grade two teacher walked to the front of her class
and said, “Today, class, we are going to play a game.” Ms YOung
stuck her hand in her pocket, “I have something in my pocket,”
she said, “it’s round but not too round and its red but not too
red.” Little Johnny raised his hand and yelled, “I know! I
Know! It’s a red bouncy ball!” “No,” replied Ms Young, “it’s
an apple, but I like the way you think.” She stuck her hand in
her other pocket and said “I have something in my pocket, it’s
orange but not too orange and its round but not too round.”
Johnny raised his hand and yelled, “I know! I know! Its an
orange bouncy ball!” “No,” said Ms Young, “Its an orange, but I
like the way you think.” Johnny yelled out, “I get this game!
May I go up now, pretty please?!” “Okay,” Ms Young replied.
JOhnny ran up to the front of the class, and stuck his way deep
down in his pocket. “I have something in my pocket,” he said,
“It’s long but not too long and its pink but not too pink.” The
teacher cried out, “you can’t say things like that in class!”
Johnny replied, “Its my pink eraser, but I like the way you
think.”

There once was this man who wanted a hotel room.
he went to the nearest Holiday Inn.

The clerk there said, “Alright this is your room.
The sink is there, dial 9 to get out of
the hotel.
But whatever you do…”

“What?” the man asked.
“Don’t stick your cock in the 3 holes in the wall
over there!” the clerk warned.

“Fine!” the man said.

The man went to bed that night, but couldn’t sleep
wondering about those holes.

He stuck his cock in the first hole and felt an unusually
pleasant sensation, and in all is excitement, stuck it in the
second one, which felt even better than the first.

He then stuck it in the third one, and it was the most painful
one of
all.

It hurt so bad, he passed out.

He woke up to the clerk slapping him.
“Wake up!”

“What happened?” the man asked.

“You stuck your cock in the wall, didn’t you?” the clerk asked.

“Yeah,” the man responded, “what was in the holes? The first two
were good, but the third one hurt like a bitch!”

The clerk responded, “Well, in the first hole was a dog’s ass,
the second hole was my wife, and the third hole was a milking
machine that doesn’t stop until 20 gallons.”

A highly anal-retentive woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress. As she bent over to examine the seventeenth mattress she had considered, she suddenly cut a horrendous fart.”Excuse me,” she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was helping her.”Hey, I’m used to it, lady,” he said. “When you see the price on that one, you’ll shit!”

One day Tim was riding his car down the empty New York street.
Seeing the street being empty, Tim sped up. Little did he know
that there was a car about to cross the street. Tim crashed and
was killed…

Tim then awoke from his sleep only to find him self in the sky
with clouds all around. Tim was scared and confused, he then
called out, “Hello?!” Tim waited a moment, then a deep GREAT
voice said, “WHO ARE YOU?” Tim said, “I’m Tim…who are YOU?”
The voice said, “I AM GOD!”

“God?…that means I’m…”
“YES TIM…YOU ARE DEAD, BUT YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YET
TIM…NOT FOR FIVE MORE YEARS.”
“Really?…so can I go back then?”
“OF COURSE YOU CAN TIM.”
“But God, look at me I’m all bloody…Hey! Where’s my arm?!”
“TIM, CALM DOWN, I SHALL TURN YOU INTO A SPIDER.”
“A spider?!”
“A SPIDER AND ONLY A SPIDER!!!!!”
“Ok. Ok. I agree, god.”

Poof! God turned him into a spider

“Now what god?”
God said, “Squeeze your ass. Do this…MMMMMMM!!”
“Push?”
“YES WHEN YOU DO THIS..MMMMMM! YOUR SPIDER WEB SHALL COME OUT.”
“Ok God………MMMMMMMMMMMM!” *POP!* and Tim was now spitting
out spider wed from his ass

“NOW TIM GO DOWN TO EARTH USING YOUR SPIDER WEB.”
And so Tim pushed and pushed and he was going down to earth nice
and calmly while doing this MMMMMMMMMMMM!

Then suddenly Tim heard his wife’s voice, “WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
YOU’RE TAKING A SHIT ON THE BED TIM!!”

CAN YOU TIE THEM IN A KNOT CAN YOU TIE THEM A BOW CAN YOU HANG YOUR BOOBS REALLY LOW CAN YOU PAINT A LITTLE DOT AND SAY IT IS HOT HOOT TEE TOOT TOOT HOOT TEE TOOT TOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!