Category: body & health

It was a average day in Bobby’s first grade class. Around 11:00 he had to go to the bathroom, so he raised his hand and ask the teacher. The teacher noticed this pattern and asked him a question ” Bobby, if you want to go to the restroom, you have to recite the A-B-C’s” Bobby being a below average student slowly recited “a-b-c-d-e-f-g-h-i-j-k-l-m-n-o-q-r-s-t-u-v-w-x-y-z” The teacher noticed that he was missing a letter so the teacher replied “Umm..Bobby, what happen to the p?” Bobby replied “Oh, I’m sorry Ms.Swanson, but its runnung down my leg

What do you call a Russian with three balls?

“Whodyanickabollokoff”

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, ‘”Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'”

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, “Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!”

A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”

“Why, yes, I do. How did you know?”

“Hickory dickory dock”!

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the
evils of liquor, so ho proceeded with an experiment involving a glass of
water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

“Now class…observe the worms closely,” said the professor, putting a
worm first into the water. The worm wiggled around, happy as could be.

He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It wiggled about painfully
and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Bobby, sitting in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

For years ‘n years they told me, “Be careful of your breasts. Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests.”

So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump.

“Stand up very close,” she said, As she got my tit in line, “And tell me when it hurts,” she said, “Ah, yes! There! That’s just fine.”

She stepped upon a pedal. . . I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched ‘n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!

“Take a deep breath” she said to me Who does she think she’s kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting.

“There, that was good,” I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. “Now let’s get the other one.” “Lord, have mercy,” I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I’ll bet she’s never had this done To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. . . If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow!!

This machine was made by a man, Of this I have no doubt. I’d like to get his balls in there, For months, he’d go “without”!!

A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.

They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.

While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go….YEEOOOOOOOUCH!

My version of ( I got friends in low places )

Oh, you got crabs in low places
where the doche juice runs and the queer chases
your crabs away…
oh.. you’ll be ok…
Oh you got full off of tuna fish,
and just biting those places that seem to itch
oh you got crabs… in low places

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.

One day an extremly aged man walks into his local doctors office
and nervously sits down. “Doctor” he said, “I really need u to
prescribe me 3 viagra pills!” The doctor laughs at this and
says” You know damn well your too old to be taking those pills!”
“Your in bad health and they could have a nasty side efect on
u!” The man pleads telling the doctor that he dosent care and
that he knows dosent doubt his shriveled cock will grow to its
normal proper size! “Well tell me old man, what is it u need
three for?” The old man Frowns and blushes as he tells him,
“Well, i need 1 for monday, thats when my wifes coming home.
Then i need one for tuesday, for when i meet my ex wife. Then i
need one for wednesday, thats when my friend steve comes over!”
The doctor in shock says, “well, ok, but u have to promise me
that youll come and see me in one week for another check up!”
The man agrees and the doctor gives him a prescription. That
saturday the old man comes walking into the office with a
swollen arm in a sling and cast! The doctor in shock asks him
what happened. The old man frowns and replies, “they never
showed up!”

5 Good Reasons not to be a Penis!

1. You’re bald your entire life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. You live between two nuts.
4. An asshole lives behind you.
5. When you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.

My three-year-old son, Matt, had a lot of problems with potty
training. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course
I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I
realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I
asked him, and he said, “No.”

I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I
didn’t have any clothes with me.” I asked again, “Matt, are you
sure you did not have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just
knew that he must have, cause the smell was getting worse.

So, I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”

This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked
down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “See
Mom, it’s just gas!!”

While 50 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing
happened. I was mortified, but some kind elderly people made me
feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the
best laugh they had ever had!

ONE time in the shower a boy looks up at his mother and says what is that.The mother answers thats my headlights and then the boy looks down and says whats that.The mother answers that is my garage.Then the boy goes in the shower with his dad and looks down and says what is that.The father answers thats my car.Later at night the boy says to his parents hey why is the car going in the garage and daddy sucking mommies headlights.