Category: body & health

One day I was wating for my train at a train station. All of the
sudden I had a real urge to take a crap. So, I was about to go
to the bathroom when the train came.

On the train I sat next to a really hot guy. He started talking
to me so I didn’t go to the bathroom. Then he invited me to go
over his house. I had to say yes.

Once inside his house I gasped, it was HUGE! Then he said he had
to change. Finally, I had a chance to go crap. I looked and
looked for a bathroom but I couldn’t find it. Then I turned
around and saw that there was a bathroom about 10 feet away!

I felt so week but I walked and walked to bathroom. When I was 3
feet away from it I saw a dog. It was a big dalmatian showing
off it’s fangs. I could’t reach the bathroom, so I had to thing
of another idea.

That’s when I got the perfect idea! I decided to crap on the
floor and the guy would think the dog did it. So that’s exactly
what I did.

2 minutes later the guy came back. He asked me what smelled. I
said that I didn’t know (although I did) So we looked around to
see what smelled. We passed the hallway that the dog was by. So
I said “Look! Your dog pooped! That’s what smells!” He looked at
me strangely. “That can’t be!” “Why?” I asked. “That’s a stuffed
animal…” he replied.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing
next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing
there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the
poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help
him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help
you.” The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?” Bob says, “OK.”
Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?” Bob replies,
“Uh, yeah, OK.” Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold
and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars,
and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for
him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in
and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, man, I really
appreciate it.” Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong
with your penis?” The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and
says, “I don’t know, but I ain’t touching it.”

What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad
marksman?

One shoots but can’t hit, the other hoots but can’t shit!

What is the chemical name for Viagra?

Mycoxafailin.

There is a man in a balarina outfit was sitting at the end of
the bar. He then raises his hand and yells “if anyone wants to
buy me a drink they can”. Another man at the other end of the
bar say’s “bartender I would like to buy her a drink” The
bartender fills up a bear cup and gives it to the man in the
ballarina outfit. the man guzzles down the drink and then
raises his hand again and syas” if anyone wants to buy me a
drink they can”. Once again the man tells the bartender ” I
would like to buy that lady a drink” The bartender once
againfills up the mans mug. The bartender walks over to the man
buying the drinks and states “I know its none of my business but
why are you buying the drinks”. The man says any woman who lift
her leg that high deserves a drink.

Q:HOW DO YOU GET YOU HAIR TO STOP FLYING IN A CONVERTABLE?

A:CLOSE YOUR LEGGS

HH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

It’s Harold’s first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in
front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about
halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his
wife’s foot tapping on the porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back
to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on
the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the
driver, can’t stand it. Burnett asks, “Harold, it’s none of my
business, but why’d you kiss her down there?”

Harold says, “You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.”

Joe is a lonely man who hadn’t had a woman is eight months. As
he’s walking down the street, he hears a small cry for help. He
looks down and finds a genie stuck in a small hole. The genie
says, “Hey, help me out of this hole and I’l grant you one
wish.” Joe says, “I don’t know, I don’t trust genies, but I’ll
help you out.” After the genie is out of the hole, he tells Joe
to make a wish. Joe says “I wish I was surrounded by pussy.”

The genie turns him into a tampon.

The moral of the story is don’t think you’re getting anything in
life for free without a string attached.

A man was flying on an airplane and needed to take a shit. He
went to the back of the airplane and noticed that the man’s
washroom had a big line and the woman’s had no line. He went to
the flight attendant and asked, “Could I quickly use the woman’s
washroom?” “Yes, but don’t touch any of the buttons.” The flight
attendant said. The man entered and saw a button labelled W. He
pushed it and water got sprayed on his ass. This is great, he
thought. He saw a button labelled BP. He pushed it and he got
his buns powdered. Perfect, he thought. The man saw a third
button labelled ATR. He pushed it and he fainted. The next thing
he knew, he was on a stretcher. The flight attendant looked down
at him and said, “I told you not to push the automatic tampon
remover.”

One day little jonny approached his dad with this question, “Daddy, I think Im weird, can you please take me to the doctor to make sure?” Reluctanly the dad replied “OK son but this better be quick.”

So, they went to the doctors office and after a long wait it was jonnys turn. “Well Jonny what seems to be the problem” asked the doctor “I think im weird but i cant figure out why so can you just check me to make sure im normal?” “ok.” said the doctor “Well son dont be alarmed but you have three testicles it wont really affect you because you can still have sex and everything but youll just be different.”

On the way home his dad asks him “so son are you weird?” “Yep” he replied “How” “well… put it this way together we have five balls.” “WHAT YOU ONLY HAVE ONE?”

True story:

About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.

At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.

With my gown raised, she uttered the words, “Okay, small prick,” and proceeded with the injection.

I’m still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.

Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first
kid leaned over and asked, “What are you in for?” The second kid said,
“I’m in to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid said, “You got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me
once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a piece of cake!”

The second kid then asked, “What are you in here for?” The first kid said,
“Well, I’m here for a circumcision.”

The second kid said, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born, and I
couldn’t walk for a year!”