Category: body & health

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or
nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any
more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife
decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and
not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the
bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey,
you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE
OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN
THERE.

One time there was three guys int

WHATS GREEN AND SMELLS LIKE PORK??

KERMIT THE FROGS FINGER!!!!!!

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says … “Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!”

Ingredients: 2 whole nuts, 1 large banana, 2 strong arms, 2 well
shaped legs, 1 fur lined mixing bowl, 4 loving eyes.
Mixing instructions: Look into eyes, part legs. Gently squeeze
milk jugs. Continue until bowl is well greased. Add banana, top
with nuts. Move in and out until cake is well creamed. Sigh with
relief, let cool. Do not lick the bowl. If cake starts to rise,
get out of town FAST!

One day, a womans’s 3 son’s get sick, soshe takes them to the
doctor. So the doctor examines them, and he perscribes the
vitamin iron, and then they will be in perfect condition. So the
woman agrees and goes to the store. When she’s at the store, she
asks a girl that works there, where she can fin iron, the girl
inoccently tells her, that they sell bb’s for bb guns, which are
iron. So the woman say’s “perfect give me ten boxes”. About a
week later, her youngest son comes running yelling “Mom, mom,
mom, I’m pissing bb’s!” “oh don’t worry, I just put some bb’s in
your food” said the mother, so the little boy goes off confused.
Like an hour later, her middle son comes yelling, “mom, mom,mom,
I’m shiting bb’s,” and she tells him the same thing she told the
other one. So like two hours like her oldes comes yelling
frantically “Mom, Mom, Mom!”, the mother says “What your pissing
bb’s” and her son said “NO, I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE
DOG!!”

A horse and chicken were playing near a pit when the horse falls
in. The Horse says, “Help, Help, go get the farmer!” The chicken
says, “I’ve got a better idea.” So the chicken goes and gets the
truck and pulls out the horse.

The next day the horse and chicken were playing by the pit and
this time, the chicken falls in and says, “Help, Help go get he
truck!” The horse says, “Now I’ve got a better idea. Grab my
dick and I’ll pull you out.” So the chicken grabs hold of the
horse’s dick and the horse pulls out the chicken.

The moral of the store is if the have a big dick you don’t need
a truck to pick up chicks!

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he’s in his brown suit. She’d specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she’d brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she’d brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.”

The lady said, “Who’s paying for this?”

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said, “Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!”

There is a man named Jon and he has a speech problem and
sometimes what he wants to say doesn’t come out the way he wants
it to.

So one Saturday afternoon he decides he needs to do some
shopping! So he goes to the grocery store and says: “Can I have
some bum?”
The store clerck replies: “What?”
Jon says again:”Some bum!”
The store clerck then says: “Sir if this is you idea of a joke
then I’m gonna call the police!”
Jon argues: “No,no some bum!” and points to the gum
The store clerk is quick to apologize and lets Jon have the gum
for free.

Jon then goes to the hardware store and asks:”Can I have a
fuckit?”
“Excuse me sir?” replies the clrek
“You heard me a fuckit!” and he points to the bucket
“Oh so sorry, it’s on the house”, the clerk says

Jon then relizes the one thing he could use in life would be a
dog and he goes to the pet shop, so he goes in and says:”Can I
have a cock and spank it?”
“A what asks the shopkeeper?”
“A cock and spank it!” and annoyedly points to the cocker spaniel
“O of course sir, 100 dollars”
So Jon buys the dog.

On Jon’s way home his new dog escapes and hurriedly looking for
help he sees an old lady sitting on the curbside waiting for
someone. Jon goes up to her and says:”Excuse me could you hold
my bum and fuck it while I go find my cock and spankit!”

This Poor Innocent Guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can’t make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn’t want to cancel the date, because he’s afraid he won’t ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30-minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn’t want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. “Oh crap,” he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. “Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?” he asks. “No problem, I’d like to look around too,” she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men’s fashions are on the right, women’s fashions are on the left. They split up.Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn’t see him buying the pants. He doesn’t even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) “Just the pants.” “What?” asks the Gap girl. “Just the pants!” (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: “Oh, OK.” He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out…just the sweater.

One day, a bar owner decided he had enough of the slow business
and needed a gimmick. He finally decided on one. He got a horse
and put it in the bar. He placed a sign over the horse and had
the sign read.

“Pay $100, make the horse laugh win $1000.” For years, the
gimmick worked. Finally, a man walked into the bar, saw the sign
and asked, “Is that sign for real?” The bar owner told him it
was.

The man paid $100, walked up to the horse and whispered
something to the horse. The horse started to laugh falling to
his knees.

The next day, the owner changed the sign.

“Pay $100, make the horse cry, win $1000.” For years the gimmick
worked. One day, the same man walked into the bar and saw the
sign. He paid the bar owner $100 and asked for a curtain. The
man closed the curtain and then opened it a couple of moments
later. The horse was now crying up a storm.

The man walked up to the bar owner and asked for his money. “Not
so fast,” the bar owner said, “First you have to tell me what
you did both times!”

“Simple”, said the man, “First I told him my dick was longer,
this time I proved it.”

16> Emptyin’ the Saloon15> Pocket Punch ‘n’ Judy14> Signing your John Hancock13> Dragging Thyself to Hell, One Hand’s Breadth at a Time12> Waving to Queen Victoria11> Trying for a Scarlet “M”10> Oiling the Pennywhistle 9> Assaulting the Tower of London 8> Cleaning the Musket 7> Quashing the Southern Uprising 6> Monitoring your Merrimac 5> Driving the Golden Spike 4> Delivering the Ejaculation Proclamation 3> Churning the Codpiece Butter 2> Square Dancing with Satan 1> Addressing Lord Palmer