Category: bill clinton

President Bush passed his physical… no word yet on his mental.

Remember when Clinton used to play the saxophone?

Well he is over that now, he has decided to play the Whoremonica!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that you’ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife
Now that Miss Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did I don’t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have but I don’t recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me Mr. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my mama taught me
I tried to hide but now you’ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never ever did inhale.

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter.

She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here.

St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one second.

St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life.

The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.

Hillary asks, “Where is Bill’s clock?” St. Peter says, “Bill’s clock is upstairs in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

[surprisingly bi-partisan]’TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENTDecember 17, 1998’Twas The Night Before Impeachment, When all through the House, All Congress was stirring, Even Conyers, the louse. The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care, In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair. The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds, While visions of perjury danced in their heads. And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap, Had just settled in for a long evening’s nap.When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter. When what to their wondering eyes should appear But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer. With a Presidential address, so lively and quick, They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:’Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let’s forget The Vixen!On Barney! On Maxine! I’m no Richard Nixon!!!’ ‘From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall, Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!’And then the Republicans heard on the roofThe prancing and pawing of each little hoof. They scratched their heads and were turning around When resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound. No longer would he eat from his humble pie, While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky. A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq, It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!His cheeks were like roses, His nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the hair on his head was as white as the snow. The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.He was chubby and plump – a right jolly old elf, And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves. And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head Soon gave them to know they had something to dread. He spoke the right words and went straight to his work Hard to believe Mon had called him ‘The Jerk.’And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose, By ‘Wagging The Dog,’ up the polls he rose. He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle, Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile. They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight, ‘Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.’

The reason it’s always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it’s usually three different stories. –Sam DonaldsonIf the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he’d even have my vote. –Newt GingrichWhat’s wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same thing. –Kenneth StarrThe special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury. –Monica LewinskyShouldn’t the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster? –Marv AlbertThe president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern. –OJ SimpsonIf I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn’t have sex with the president, I’d never get any of my own work done. –Vernon JordanThe president should take up skiing. –Al GoreIf you’re looking for me this week, I’ll be in the bunker. –Saddam HusseinPracticing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked. –George StephanopoulosIn last week’s Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the zipper. –Madeliene ‘Aunt Bea’ Albright

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!

The wives of four Presidents and Prime Ministers are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia people call it a patriot, because it always rises to the occasion.The wife of Chirac says in France people call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.Hillary says in the USA people call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

10 Okay, he’s a hound — But he’s OUR hound!9 Vote for Our Guy or These Dole Viagra Pictures Hit the Internet8 If the Dome is A-Rockin’, Don’t Come A-Knockin’!7 When the Going Gets Tough, We Bomb Iraq.6 So Spank Us!5 It’s Not Our Fault All the Good Ones Get Shot4 Our Pants May Fall, But Your 401(K) Value Won’t!3 Felonies Dismissed While You Wait2 You’re so pretty, come on over here and give us a vote, Darlin’!!1 Laid in America

What has four legs and smells like fish?

Clinton’s desk.

White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk
into the Oval Office with a pair of woman’s panties pinned to his arm. Somewhat
used to the president’s tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily
tasks.
As the day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval
Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one
left with a puzzled expression on his face, but no one dared ask the President’s
personal business.
Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton’s loyal secretary walked into the office
between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. “Mr. President,”
she said.
“We’ve come to expect many unusual things from you but we’re all quite
concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman’s panties on your arm.
Please tell me this doesn’t mean more ‘trouble’.”
“Oh no,” the President grinned, “it’s the patch. I’m trying to quit.”

There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, little Johnny.

The teacher asks little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, “I’m not a Bush fan.”

The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a Bush fan?” Johnny says, “Because I’m a Clinton fan.”

The teacher asks why he’s a Clinton fan. The boy says, “Well, my mom’s a Clinton fan and my dad’s a Clinton fan, so I’m a Clinton fan!”

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, “What if you’re mom was a moron and you’re dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Johnny says, “That would make me a Bush fan!”