Category: bar & drinking

This guy walks into a bar and he sees this sign saying 100 dollars to make this horse laugh. So he goes up to bar tender and says i can make that horse laugh and he goes give it a shot. So the guy goes up and wispers something in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing. 2 week later the guy goes back in the bar and now theres a sign 250 dollars to make this horse cry. so he goes up to the bar tender and he said i can make this horse cry. so the guy asked aren’t you the one who made the horse laugh. The guy says yeah. So he goes can i take the horse outside so he says ya. so when the horse comes back in the horse is crying so he the guy got his 250 dollars. So the Bar tender said would you mind telling me how you made the horse laugh. he said for one thing i said i had a bigger dick than him. the bar tender said how did you make him cry he said i showed him.

how to get a maori in a bath?put five cents in how do you get a maori out of the bath put soap in.

walkes into a bar ouch

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs
down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down
that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This
goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, “I know it’s none of my
business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe
and order another one” routine?”

“Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she
starts to look good, then it’s time for me to go home.”

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!?

Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the
first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all
spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and
notices a note on the table, “Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had
to leave early to go shopping. Love you.”

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

“What happened last night, son?” Sam asks.

His son replies, “Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Sam asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

“Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your
pants off, you said, ‘Lady, leave me alone. I’m married’,” his son replies.

A man walks into a bar. Pretty soon another man walked into the bar. the first man asked the second “Oh you didn’t see it either?”

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.” “Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.”You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”

what runs and never walks.
water

A guy in a bar stands up and says, “All lawyers are assholes.” Another guy stands up and says “Hey…I resent that…” The first guy says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” The second guy says, “No. I’m an asshole.”

A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, “Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.”

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.” He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because..because I’ve got heartburn.”

The bartender says, “Look, lady… it’s not beertender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martuni, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got heartburn, “You have your left breast in the Ashtray!”

Handsome Handsome of that ketchup over here.