Category: bar & drinking

Your mum is so fat she has to wear a mattress for a tampon!!

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, �Olive or twist?�

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, “What the hell happened?”

Still staring down, the drunk replied: “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!”

The bartender got tired of hearing these five drunks arguing about who had the biggest dick. So he yelled out: “I am tired of this shit. Pull them out and put them up on the bar and I will tell you who has the biggest.” They were drunk enough that all five of them responded and placed their dick up on the bar. At this time a homosexual walks in, and the bartender ask: “May I help you?” To which he responds: “Well, I came in for a glass of wine and a sandwich but I think I will have the smorgasbord.”

yo mama is so fat…..after sex she rolls over and smokes……..A HAM!!!!!

yo mama is so nasty…..she used “secret” and it told on her!

Yo mama so big that when she went bunji jumping with a yellow dress everybody thought the sun was falling.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor… Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: ‘Hi my name is… uh…’ Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. I’m as sober as a judge. The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.

when the man walked into the bar what did he say?

ouch!!!

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ’em doubles.”The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doin’ all this drinking.”You’d drink ’em this fast too if you had what I have.”The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”The man quickly replies, “I only have a dollar.”

Women goes into a bar with a duck under her arm.

Bartenders says “what’ll the pig have.”

The woman says, “that’s not a pig, that’s a duck!”.

I know says the bartender, “I was talking to the duck.”

This guy walks into a bar and he sees this sign saying 100 dollars to make this horse laugh. So he goes up to bar tender and says i can make that horse laugh and he goes give it a shot. So the guy goes up and wispers something in the horses ear and the horse starts laughing. 2 week later the guy goes back in the bar and now theres a sign 250 dollars to make this horse cry. so he goes up to the bar tender and he said i can make this horse cry. so the guy asked aren’t you the one who made the horse laugh. The guy says yeah. So he goes can i take the horse outside so he says ya. so when the horse comes back in the horse is crying so he the guy got his 250 dollars. So the Bar tender said would you mind telling me how you made the horse laugh. he said for one thing i said i had a bigger dick than him. the bar tender said how did you make him cry he said i showed him.

One day a man grows sick of his alcohol problem and how it has really messed up his life so he gets an appointment with an Alcoholics Anonymous therapy group. He stands up in the group and says “my name is Rob and I’m an alcoholic… I decided to curb my problem when I woke up in a motel with a real dog after drinking about 20 beers.” The next guy pipes up, “Oh that’s nothing I slept with my cousin because of my drinking” Rob continues despite the interruption, “and the worst part was when I rolled over and saw the sheep”