Category: bar & drinking

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. ‘Hey Jack, you’re a betting kinda man aren’t ya?’ ‘Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.’ ‘Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.’ Jack thought to himself, ‘This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I’ve ever made.’ ‘Okay Bob. you’re on.’ Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, ‘Okay Bob, Let’s see what you got.’ Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. ‘What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.’ ‘Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.’ ‘Yeah, what about him.’ ‘Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn’t you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.’

A toast to be done with friends:

Heres to you, heres to me…
Best friends we shall forever be…
If we should ever disagree….
F*ck you!
And heres to Me.

A man walks into a bar…

…OUCH!

A guy walks into a whore house and asks what can I get for a dollar. The guy says floor three room two to your left. He goes there and a old woman answers the door. So they start doing it and the guy says this is dry what can you do to make this better. The woman says all be back in a minuet. A half an hour later she comes out and they do it. When there done the guy says thats my kind of women, what did you do. The lady says I piked all my scabs and let the puss run out.

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men.He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.”What the hell is that?” he asks.”War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes”Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!”What the hell is that?””War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes”The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!”War wound??””Naah, my zipper’s stuck”

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, “You don’t feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?”

Three leprechauns, Sean, Mick and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, ‘Jaysus, I’m bored wid bein’ a feckin’ nobody. I’m tinkin’ I’ll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book.”What de hell are ye talkin’ about, ye eejit? You’ve dun nuttin’ to get in de book for,’ says Sean.’Well, it’s me hands, Sean,’ Mick says, waving them around. ‘I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I’m gonna get meself entered into de book and I’ll be world famous.’The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking heartily.A little while later Kevin pipes up, ‘Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guinness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I.’The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, ‘How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I’ve got dem, ya bloody fool?’Kevin replies, ‘It’s not me hands, Mick, it’s me feet,’ and he takes his boots to show them. ‘I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I’m gonna get meself entered into de Guinness Book of Records too.’The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking.Some time later Sean chimes in, ‘Well, if youse two can get into de Guinness Book of Records, I can too.’ The others fall about laughing.’What de feck have you got dats so feckin’ interesting?’ cries Sean.’It’s me dick,’ he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy.’Jaysus, ye’ve got the best chance of us all, Sean’, says Kevin. ‘Days the smallest feckin’ dick I ever saw,’ and with that they all go back to their drinking.Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when, out of the corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street. ‘Jaysus,’ he says, ‘I’m gonna go into dat office and I’m gonna get me hands measured’ and off he staggers.Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face, waving his hands in the air. ‘I did it. I did it,’ he says. ‘I’m in de Guinness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobody’s got smaller hands dan me,’ he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. ”Go on, ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on.”Feck it. I will,’ says Kevin and off he staggers.Ten minutes later he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air. ‘Jaysus, I’m famous,’ he says. ‘I’ve got de smallest feet in de world. I’m famous, I’m famous.’With that Sean staggers to the office door. ‘I’m gonna get me dick measured,’ he says. ‘I won’t be long.’The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by.Ten minutes turns into 20 and 20 into 30. No sign of Sean. Fortyminutes go by and the office door opens. Sean slouches out looking disconsolate. ‘Who de feckin’ hell is Bill Gates?’ he says.

Here’s one I made up while in the sixth grade. It’s a sixth-grade joke, but no worse than the one just read! A drunk was sitting in his car in the parking lot outside a bar, yelling: “Help! Poleesh! I’ve been robbed!” The cop on the beat came to him & said, “What’s wrong?” The drunk said, “Look for yourshelf! They took my shteering wheel, my inshtrument panel; they even took my pedalsh!” The policeman said, “No problem; everything’s right up here in the front seat!”

There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.

One guy said, “just name it a pub.” Another said, “just name it the bar.” The thrid guy said, “name it Suzy’s Legs”.

The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzy’s Legs.

The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?

He replied…nothing officer…”just waiting for Suzy’s Legs to open so I can get a drink!”

A German, a Pollock, and a Jew sit down at the bar.The Bartender says, “What is this, some kind of Joke?”

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said “Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.”The bartender gave him the drink.Then the Budweiser President orders, “The King Of Beers — Budweiser.”The bartender proceeds with the order.The Amstel President walks in and orders “The Finest Beer ever.”The bartender gives him an Amstel.Then the Guinness President says, “I’ll have a coke please.”The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.All the Presidents looked over at him and said, “Why have you ordered a coke?”He replied, “Well if you all aren’t drinking beer, then neither shall I.”

Your mum is so fat she has to wear a mattress for a tampon!!