Category: bar & drinking

One night these two men wanted to go out for drinks, but they didn’t have any money. so the first man said, “No problem. I have an idea”So the two proceeded to the closest bar and ordered their drinks. the second man asks, “Now what’s your plan?” The first man said, “I’m gonna put this hot dog down my pants and then you unzip me and suck the hot dog. then the two would for sure be thrown out of the bar.”The second man was unsure but agreed. as soon as the bill came he dropped to his knees and began to suck. His plan worked. the two were quickly thrown out of the bar. they proceeded to do this in bars all over town without ever having to pay. Finally the second man said, “Man, I’m drunk enough. That was a good plan.”The first man said yea but I lost the hot dog three doors back..”

dude wheres my carrrr
it was dumped like my poop

Yo Mamma so nasty.
When your daddy ate her out he got food poisoning.

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.”I did a terrible thing,” sniffed the drunk, “Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.””That is awful,” said the other guy, “And now that she is gone you want her back right?””Right!” said the drunk, still crying.”You’re sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?””Oh, No,” said the drunk. I want her back because I’m thirsty again!”

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, ” Mister, I’m broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I’m out of a place to live. I’ll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can’t come up with a reply to.”

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him, “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.”

The man scratches his head and says, “your right, I can’t top that.” and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says “your on”

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can’t tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says “six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can’t piss in mine!!”

A guy walked into a bar and said “OUCH”

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, “May I buy you a drink?””Okay,” she said, “but it won’t do you any good.”A little later, he asks, “May I buy you another drink?””Okay,” she said again, “but it won’t do you any good.”He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, “Okay, but you know it won’t do you any good.”They get to his apartment and he says, “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.””Oh, well that’s different….”she says.”Send her in!”

A cop pulls over a car that’s been swerving across the lanes of a road.”Get out of the car, please.””But I’m not drunk, officer!””Listen, it doesn’t matter if you’re drunk or not. If you don’t get out of this car, I’ll arrest you anyway.””Fine,” says the man and gets out of the car.”Okay, now walk this yellow line.” The man looks at the line.”Which one of them do I walk on?”

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”

Yo mama so mad dat she throws dinner parties for the voices in her head,she cooks so bad that the family pray after they eat AND her face-lift went so wrong that she gets lippie on her earrings.

Luv from jenni.Hello 2 Sarah, Becca,Emily,Sam and all of the other cool peeps of jjsmtc!!!yeah baby yeah!!!

A man walked into a bar with a teddy in his hand
When the punters asked why he ahd a teddy he replied
Bear with me

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquired.

“I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.

“6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?”

“Yeah, my first blowjob,” the man answered.

“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”

“No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”