Category: bar & drinking

David is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o’clock, last round is called, and although he knows he shouldn’t, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.

After the final beer, he slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor. This was not what he had expected. He knew he had some, but… He tries to get up but again he falls. After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home.

At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without awakening his wife.

The next morning his wife asks him furiously. “Were you drunk again last night”?

David is surprised and asks her how she knew.

“They just called from the bar. You left without your wheelchair again.”

A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says “When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. I’ve tried everything, but she doesn’t moan, doesn’t scream, doesn’t even move”

The guy pats his friend on the back and says “Yeah, she does that with me, too.”

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.

The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend
it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I
tried really hard.

“By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna
be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”

“So”, says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”

“Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

yore mum is so stupid she got locked in the supermarket and starved to death

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”. The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that
he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he
wasn’t drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees
this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, “Fell, I
think your girl friend has gone home.”

theres an english man a scottish man and an iris man. they was all walking through the dessert and fing a pub.The iris man goes can i have a glass of water the land lord goes’ONLY IF U PICK SCABS OF MY SISTER’the iris man goes forget it. the scottish man goescan i have a glass of waterthe land lord goes ‘ONLY IF U PICK SCABS OFF MY SISTER’ the scottish man goes no thanks. the english man goes in and say can i have a glass of water the land lord goes’ONLY IF YOU PICK SCABS OFF MY SISTER’ and he say ok he picks scabs of his sister put them in a food bag and stapples them and chucks them out the window. the scottish and english man eats them lol

One ovary says to the other ovary ‘did you order some furniture?’
The other ovary says ‘No why?’
‘Because theres two nuts outside trying to push an organ in!’

When someone calls you fat, or makes a fat joke about you, reply with “Would you like some mayonaise on your aspirin after I kick your ass?!”

you are a freak!!!

1. Your ‘Imbruglia’ hairdo has turned into a ‘Bronwyn Bishop’ …. and you’ve stopped caring.

2. You have absolutely no idea where you’re shoes are.

3. The “Chicken Dance Song” seems like a really good tune.

4. You mistake a police car from a cab and shout obscenities when it doesn’t stop for you.

5. You’ve started having a row with yourself. Out loud.

6. You’ve just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies loo because you tried twice and ended up on the floor on your bum…..And it was wet.

7. You bump into people on their way to work.

8. You keep dancing into people and you’ve fallen off the podium – twice.

9. They’ve stacked all the chairs and turned the lights on.

10. You’ve been flashing your boobs at passers by.

11. Creme De Menthe, Advocaat or Grenadine suddenly seem to be viable drink options.

12. You start crying.

13. You can’t stop.

14. There are less than three hours before you’re due to start work.

15. You’ve found a deeper side to the office nerd.

16. The man you’re pashing used to be your 5th grade teacher.

17. The urge to take all your clothes off, stand on a table and sing “Fever” become strangely overwhelming.

18. You’ve forgotten where you live.

19. You seem to be seeing more of the toilet bowl than the dance floor.

20. You’ve just sung “I’m horny, horny horny horny …” to a passing police man.

21. You notice that there’s vomit on your dress and suspect that it’s yours.

22. You’ve started to sound like Tommy Raudonikis from the 60 fags you’ve smoked.

23. You keep missing your mouth with your drink.

24. You can’t taste the gin in your gin and tonic.

25. You think you’re in bed but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.

26. You tell your worst enemy that you’ve always loved her really.

27. The stairs take on the appearance of that really really really steep slippery dip at Luna Park.

28. You’ve started offering ‘oral pleasure’ to any male who’ll listen.

29. You start every conversation with, “Don’t take this the wrong way but…”

30. You fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when you sit on it.

31. You challenge the doorman to an arm wrestling competition.

32. You have to be restrained from ‘stage-diving’ from the top of the stairs.

33. You’re sitting on the floor. On your own.

34. You show your mates that girls can wee standing up if they really want to.

35. You decide to audition for ‘StarSearch’ via the security cameras.

36. You rediscover your childhood gymnastic skills. On Hay Street.

37. You realise why you gave up gymnastics.

38. You think three blokes are chatting you up when there’s actually only one.

39. You drop your 3am burger on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

40. The entire club has seen your pants. Twice

41. Most of them against their will.

42. You can’t see you own face to reapply your long gone make-up. And you have profoundly discovered that your mascara tastes like chicken.

this guy walks into a bar and orders a shot.the bartender gives it to him.the guy pays for it gulps it down. he orders a second pays for it gulps it down and this time looks into his pocket.after about the seventh drink he looks into his pocket gets up and leaves. well the bartender being curious asks him why he kept looking in his pocket.the guy says i got a picture of my dear old wife in there, when she starts looking good i know its time to go home.