Category: bar & drinking

Whats the difference between a kit kat and an essex girl

You can only get four fingers in a kit kat

I guy walks into a bar and say can i see someones shoe so an old man walks up and gives him his shoe the guy looks into the shoe and starts to speak and says i see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “with a long pause” a line with you in running after your shoe.and the guy threw the old guys shoe out the door.

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says ‘Sorry we don’t serve snails’ and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says… ‘What did you do that for!’

a lesbian walked down a street and was mugged by a gay man.

Essex girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator,
the man says choose from our range on the wall,
the girls says I’ll take that big red one
he says thats the fucking fire extinguisher!!

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood
bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him
if anything was wrong.

“I’m scared out of my mind,” the stud replied. “Some pissed-off husband wrote
to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop doing his wife.”

“So stop!” the barkeep said.

“I can’t,” the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. “The jerk didn’t sign
his name!”

igj;

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”

yo mama is so uglet,when she looks in the mirror,her reflaction ducks

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.

The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says “That’ll be five bucks.”

As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds “You know… we don’t get many gorillas in here.”

To which the gorilla replies, “At eight bucks a beer, it’s no wonder…”

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, �Quick pour me
twelve drinks�.
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back
really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, �Boy you are
drinking those drinks really fast�.

The guys says, �Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what
I’ve got.�

The bartender says, �What’ve you got?�

The guy says, �75 cents�.

2 guys go into a bar. One guy said to the other, why is that monkey over there? He answer “Well watch this.”
He went and slapped the monkey across the head and the monkey went and sucked his dong. So he said to the other guy, “Wanna try that?”

He answered “Sure. Just don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey.”