Category: bar & drinking

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered. The first guy said, ”Hey, I’ll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!” Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ”YOU’RE ON!” So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ”WOW,” screamed the 2nd guy, ”That was incredible. Do it again!” So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ”That is remarkable. Do it one more time!””Ok,” said the first guy, ”But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it.”The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ”Your turn,” he said.So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ”This is easy. He did it, so can I!” The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer. The bartender remarked, ”You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman!”’

yo momma so fat she aint go skinny dippin she went chunky ducken

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.The first man then asks: “Where are you from?””I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.””Of course,” replies the second man.I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?””Dublin,” comes the reply.”I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.””Of course,” replies the second man.Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?””Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ’62.””This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.”Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.”

a guy with a huge bruse on his face walks into a bar. the bartender pours him a drink and asks him what happened to you.
he replied ” i came home early from work and found my wife screwing another man. so i called her a two bit whore. then she whacked with a sack a quarters!!!!”

yo momma is so stupid…she inserted a window in a glass house!:-)

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ’em doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doin’ all this drinking.”You’d drink ’em this fast too if you had what I have.”The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”The man quickly replies, “I only have a dollar.”

A scottish old timer in scotland, in a bar, talks to a young man.

old man:

“lad, look out there to the field. do yaw see that fence? look how well it’s
built. i built that fence stone by stone with me

own two hands, piled it for months. but do they call me
mcgregor-the-fence-builder? nook.”

then the old man gestured at the bar.

“look here at the bar. do yaw see how smooth and just it is? i planed that
surface down by me own aching’ back. i carved that

wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. but do they call me
mcgregor-the-bar-builder?

nook…”

then the old man points out the window.

“eh, lady, look out to sea. do yaw see that pier that stretches out as far as
the eye can see? i built that pier with the

sweat off me back. i nailed it board by board. but do they call me
mcgregor-the-pier-builder? nook… ”

then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying
attention.

“but yaw f*** one sheep . . . “

A man stops off at a bar after work to have a couple of drinks. He starts talking to this woman, and even though the guy is married, he thinks she is so fine that he agrees to go back to her place.When he gets to her place, he finds out that she is a prostitute and that she wants $75.”Forget it,” the man says, “you never told me you were a prostitute.” “But I do have $10 on me, will you take that?””You won’t get any decent prostitute for that,” the hooker says. She throws the guy out.Later that night, the man and his wife go out to dinner. While they are eating, the same prostitute who happens to also be eating there recognizes the guy.She comes up to him and says, “See, I told you.” “Look at the kind of trash you’ll pick up for $10.”

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he wants to drink and he replies a beer. He hears something and turns around and sees a little 12 inch pianist.

The guy asked the bartender where he got the 12 inch pianist. The bartender replies “I got from my genie” and hands him his beer. The guy says can I borrow that genie and the bartender says sure.

So the guy goes into the bathroom and wishes for a million bucks. He comes out of the bathroom with ducks flying everywhere. The bartender asks what did you wish for.The guy replies “I wished for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks.” The bartender says,”Well do you think I wished for a 12 INCH PIANIST!!!

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

A guy is sitting at a bar, staring at the sexy bartender.

He slaps $10 on the table and says, �I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom.�

She knows the bathroom is around the corner, so she accepts the bet.

He takes out his glass eye, places it beside his drink and goes to the bathroom.

When he comes back, he pockets the money and makes another challenge. �Betcha I can bite my own ear,� the guy says.

She accepts, and he takes out his false teeth and nips his ear. Once more, he scoops up the money.

�OK,� he says, �I�ll give you a chance to win back your money. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won�t feel a thing.�

She knows this bet is a sure thing, so she accepts.

The guy climbs behind the bar, lifts her skirt and begins.

�I can feel you,� she giggles.

�Oh well,� he says, �You win some, you lose some.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A drunk is taking a leak right on the street.
A policeman says to him:
– You could have done it behind the corner!
– My dick is no fire hose, you know?
An international competition for the title of the manliest man comprised three
tests. Every participant must:
1. Drink in one gulp a bottle of vodka;
2. Walk into a cage and shake hands with a female bear,
and 3. to make love to a woman from a remote Siberian village who never in her
life took a bath.
A Frenchman drank all of the vodka, and dropped dead.
An Englishman drank vodka, then walked into the cage, and dropped dead when he
saw the female bear.
A Russian drank vodka, and walked into the cage. There was a noisy commotion,
and then the Russian walked out of the cage, buttoning his pants, and asked,
“Where is the woman to shake her hand?”