Category: bar & drinking

This rope walks into a bar and says,”Get me a beer!” The bar tender relies,”We don’t serve beers to ropes here.”So the rope walks out and sees this guy walking down the sidewalk and says,”Tie me in a knot and fray the end.”So the guy does so. Then the rope walks back in the bar and says,”Get me a beer!” The bar tender replies,”Aren’t you the same rope who just came in here?”The rope says,”Fraid Knot!”

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?” The man says, “Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make ’em doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doin’ all this drinking. “You’d drink ’em this fast too if you had what I have.” The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?” The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

why

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say ” Its because the watch is on your right hand.”The man puts the watch on his left hand and says “Oh there we go!”

Whats the best thing about dating a homeless chick?

you can drop her off anywhere.

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a
beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, �Bet
you $20 I can bite my eye.� The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then
calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a
twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the
bar and says rather drunkenly, �Hey barkeep, bet you another $20 I can bite my
other eye.� Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man
has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his
false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over
another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few
more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the
bartender, �Hey, barkeep,� he burbles, �I’ll give you a chance to win year money
back plus. Bet you $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I
stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.� The bartender
eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbly climbs atop
the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up,
sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproariously. �What’s so
funny?� says the barkeep, �you just lost everything you won and more!� �Well,�
giggles the man, �I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all
over your bar and you wouldn’t get angry.�

Whats the differance between toilet paper and a shower curtan ? / Don,t know ? – So youre the one !

A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, “get that thing out of here.”The Guy says, “No, wait you don’t understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.The bartender says, “Bullshit, no octopus can do that.”The Guy says, “No, really I’ll bet you one hundred dollars that you can’t find a musical instrument he can’t play.”The bartender says, “OK you’re on. Try the piano in the corner.”The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.The octopus played a song on it.The bartender said, “OK I’m not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.The octopus played them all.The bartender said, “Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.The bartender says, “There I knew I could find one he couldn’t play.The Guy said, “Now just wait a minute He’ll play it just as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it.

A man walks into a bar, sits down at a bar stool a says barkeep give me a double scotch.
The barkeep provides the man with his order. The man gulps it down and orders another. The barkeep pours him another. At this point the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny little piano, he reaches again into his pocket and pulls out a little man about a foot tall. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing beautiful music. The man downs his next drink and orders another. The bartender is amazed by the music this little man is playing and asks the patron where he found him. The patron replys that he was a wish granted by a genie and produces a lamp from his pocket. The patron says to the barkeep go ahead rub it and a genie will appear. I still have 2 wishes left you may use one. The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man to whisper into his ear a wish and that he would grant it. The man whispers to the genies ear suddenly bam suddenly the bar is full of ducks. The bartender all freaked out yells at the patron. I said million bucks not ducks! The patron replies “do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist? “

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Wisconsin. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the office said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”