Category: bar & drinking

15> Lord of the Bongs: The Return of My Buzz

14> There’s Something About Mary Jane

13> Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Up

12> Merry Poppers

11> About Schlitz

10> King Bong

9> Giggly

8> S*T*A*S*H

7> Toke-lahoma!

6> Heroin Brockovich

5> Kilo & Snitch

4> The Matrix: Totally Loaded

3> Drool Hand ‘Lude

2> Good Buy, Mr. Chips Ahoy!

1> Stingin’ in the Vein

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

thearter tickets �50-00
meal at posh resturant �100-00
after dinner drinks �30-00
hotel room for the night �80-00
the look on her face when you stick your dick in her ass
PRICELESS

Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.

“Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this,” he says. His buddy replies, “Don’t worry about it. That happened to me before. Here’s what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?”

“All right, I’ll try it.” So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. “Now look what you’ve done to yourself!!”

“No, no, honey,” he slurs back. “Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned.” With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.

His wife looks at it and says, “I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?” The man slurs back,

“He shit in my pants, too.”

Beer Troubleshooting ********************SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, “Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?”The cabbie says, “Sure.” So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

two guys walk into a bar……you think the second one would have ducked!

How can you spot a tough lesbian bar?

The pool tables don’t have balls.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn’t touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

Bartender: “Hey pal, is something wrong?”
The Guy: “Yeah, I’m really depressed”

Bartender: “Why, what’s the matter?”
The Guy: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend”

Bartender: “Wow, that’s horrible. What did you do?”
The Guy: “I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it’s over”

Bartender: “That’s pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?”

The Guy: “I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!”

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time
at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her
skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my
wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

This guy was walking to the bar and outside there was a sign saying, �Pay a
dollar, make the donkey laugh and get a free Beer.�

The guy does this and gets his free beer.

The next night the guy sees a different sign.

It reads, pay a dollar make the donkey cry, and get a free beer. He does this
and gets his free beer.

The barman then asks, ” How did you do it?”

The guy answers, ” To make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger then
his and to make him cry I showed him”