Category: bar & drinking

your so gay you cant tell if your striaght our bi

a man walked into a bar and said, hey everyone, the drinks are on me, and your included too bartender. after the bartender and everyone else had a round of drinks, the bartender give him the bill. the man said, oh i don’t have any money today, I’ll have to pay you later. the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. about a month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, the drinks are on me everybody including you bartender. after everyone had their drink, the bartender give him the bill, again the man said, IM broke today bartender, I’ll have to pay you later. again the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. another month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, hey everybody, the drinks are on me. The bartender said, hey what about me? The man said forget it buddy, you get mean when you drink.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time
the bar opens.
“It opens at noon�, answers the clerk.
About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before – noon�, replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. “Whatnot shay the bar
opines at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have
room service send something up to you�.

“No! I don’t want to get in, ah want to get OUT!”

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I’ll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.’The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.’I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’ A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.’I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.’

A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “You got any fish?”

The bartender says, “No. This is a bar and we don’t sell fish” so the duck
leaves.

Next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, “You got any fish?”

The bartender says,� I told you yesterday. This is a bar and we don’t sell
fish.”

There following day, the duck returns and asks�, you got any fish?”

The bartender looses it, grabs the duck but the neck, and screams,� I TOLD YOU
TWICE. THIS IS A BAR. WE DON�T SELL FISH IF YOU

ASK AGAIN, I’M GOONS NAIL YOUR *@#& WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!”

The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, “Got any nails?”

The bartender sighs and says, “No, we don�t have any nails�.

The duck says�, Good. Got any fish?”

how do you make a snooker table laugh?

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said “I’d like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please” so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said “Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!”
the panda calmly replied “Do you know what I am?”
“Why yes,” the barman answered. “Your a panda.”
“Good,” the panda nodded “Now go home and look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary.” And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend’s murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found ‘panda’ and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

yo momma so fat…she sat on the rainow and skittles popped out!!

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as
he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

a man arived new from village with a lot of lougages,he stop a taxi and ask,how much is it from here to medina?
the taxi driver said it will cost you 5 L.D.,but for your lougages is free,then the man said ok take the lougages to medina i will walk.

The following is an actual excerpt from Forbes magazine:A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn’t deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would
always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his
secret for being able to sneak in late.

“When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down,
take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she’s ever had, until she
has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to
bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn’t care what time I came home.”

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes
home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she’s ever had,
and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he’s
home so late.

“Hey, why aren’t you sleeping?” he asks.

“I was, but I came in to tell you that we’ve got to sleep on the couch
tonight, ’cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom.”