Category: bar & drinking

Our lager, Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillage’s,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer,

The bitter and The lager.

For ever and ever.

BARMEN.

A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares , puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, “What’s the occasion?” The guy says,”I’m celebrating my first blowjob!”, as he finishes off the last shot.”Well,” says the bartender, “in that case, here have one on the house ” and he fills another shot glass.”No thanks,” says the guy, “If twelve didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, one more won’t!”

your mamma is sowe fat see needs two tolets to shit

A man’s been drinking in the bar alone for three hours straight, and the bartender is getting worried about him. He’s downing whiskey sour after whiskey sour.Finally, after the man orders his twelfth whiskey sour, the bartender shakes his head and says, “Sir, I think you’ve had enough.”The drunk looks at the bartender closely and says, “Wha – wha’s that you shay?”The bartender swallows.”I said, I think you’ve had enough sir.”The drunk points a finger….”Lis – l-l-listen Jack, I been drrrrrinking for shirty-thix years and I have no idea when I’ve had enough… so h-how the h-hell should y-y-you?”

Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: “What’s troubling you, brother?” he said.”My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can’t see.” Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.The next gentleman couldn’t hear Jesus’ questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection.This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him. “Don’t you come near me, man! Don’t touch me!” he screamed. “I’m on disability!”

A man walks into a bar and sits down.

He orders a drink and sees a monkey sitting on top of the bar.

He calls over the bartender and says, “Do you mind getting that filthy beast off the bar so I can enjoy my drink?”

The bartender says, “This monkey can do tricks.”

The patron says, “What kind of tricks can that filthy animal do?”

He said, “I take this bat and hit the monkey on the head and he will do a back flip, unzip my pants and give me a blow job.”

The patron said, “Yeah right, lets see.”

The bartender hits the monkey on the head, he does a back flip and unzips the bartenders pants and gives him a blowjob.

The patron said, “WOW, that�s amazing.”

The bartender said, “Do you want to give it a try?”

The patron said, “YEAH, but don�t him me on the head that hard.”

Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Curtis

Yo momma’s is so ugly ,when she was born the doctor took one look at her and slapped her mom across the face.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the
breweries decide to go to the pub for a drink. The Coors President said “Can I
have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please.”

The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, “The King Of Beers — Budweiser�.

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amsted President walks in and orders “The Finest Beer ever.”

The bartender gives him an Amsted.

Then the Guinness President says, “I’ll have a coke please�.

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, “Why have you ordered a
coke?”

He replied, “Well if you all aren’t drinking beer, then neither shall
I�.

HOW TO COOK A THANKSGIVING TURKEY

STEP 1: GO BUY A TURKEY
STEP 2: TAKE A DRINK OF WHISKEY (SCOTCH)
STEP 3: PUT TURKEY IN THE OVEN
STEP 4: TAKE ANOTHER 2 DRINKS OF WHISKEY
STEP 5: SET THE DEGREE AT 375 OVENS
STEP 6: TAKE 3 MORE WHISKEYS OF DRINK
STEP 7: TURN OVEN THE ON
STEP 8: TAKE 4 WHISKS OF DRINKY
STEP 9: TURK THE BASTEY
STEP 10: WHISKEY ANOTHER BOTTLE OF GET
STEP 11: STICK A TURKEY IN THE THERMOMETER
STEP 12: GLASS YOURSELF A POUR OF WHISKEY
STEP 13: BAKE THE WHISKEY FOR HOURS
STEP 14: TEST THE LURKEY FOR NUMBNESS
STEP 15: TAKE THE OVEN OUT OF THE LURKEY
STEP 16: FLOOR THE LURKEY UP OFF OF THE PICK
STEP 17: TURK THE CARVEY
STEP 18: GET YOURSELF NUTHER SCOTTLE OF BOTCH
STEP 19: TET THE SABLE AND POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF TURKEY
STEP 20: BLESS THE SAYING, PASS AND EAT OUT=2

Lyrics to an old folk song, recently requested:

The Scottsman

Well a Scottsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he’d drunk more than his share
He fumbled ’round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
Ring dye didley eye oh
He stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

About the thime two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
“See yon sleeping Scottsman, so strong a handsome built
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt”

Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
Ring dye didley eye oh
I wonder if it’s true what they don’t wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on the sleeping Scottsman quiet as could be
They lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
Ring dye didley eye oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said “We must be gone.”
“Let’s leave a present for our friend before we move along”
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scotts kilt did lift and show

Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
Ring dye didley eye oh
Around the bonnie star the scotts kilt did lift and show

Now the Scottsman woke to natures call and stumbled for the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says, to what’s before his eyes,
“Lad, I don’t know where you;ve been, but I see you’ve won first prize”

Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
Ring dye didley eye oh
Lad, I don’t know where you’ve been, but I see you’ve won first prize

yo momma is so fat when she stepped out of the house everyone yelled YIELD!!

sex is bad,
its a sin,
sins are forever
“stick it in”.