Category: bar & drinking

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. “Sure,” said the drunk man.”I’ll find Jesus.”So the priest took the drunk man’s head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.”Damn,” said the drunk man.”Are you sure he fell in there?”

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. –Frank Zappa Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemmingway Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. –Plato Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. –Catherine Zandonella A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the –decency to thank her. W.C. Fields Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Lady Astor to Winston ChurchillMadam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have –given us stomachs. David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking class. –Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. –Henny Youngman Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. –Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. –Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. –Humphrey Bogart Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. –David Moulton People who drink light ‘beer’ don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. –Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. –Kaiser Wilhelm I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. –Homer Simpson I gave up drinking once — it was the worst afternoon of my entire life. –BogartNot all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. –Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan They who drink beer will think beer. –Washington Irving An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. –For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without –holding on. Dean Martin All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer. –Homer Simpson

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, “Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!”

This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested
that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the
results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the
finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive,
failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when
wrong.

No further testing is planned.

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.”But I paid, don’t you remember?” says the customer. “Okay,” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.” The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.The barkeep replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.” Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.” “Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responds. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

A guy walks into a bar holding a turtle.

The turtle has two bandaged legs,a black eye and his shell is held together with duct tape.

The bartender asks, “What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Nothing,” the man responds. “This turtle is very fast.

Have your dog stand at the end of the bar. Then you go stand at the other end of the room and call him.

Before that mutt reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So the bartender, wanting to see this, sets his dog at one side of the room. Then he goes to the other side and calls him.

Suddenly, the guy picks up his bandaged turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender and smashing it into the wall.

“Told you it would be there before your dog.”

Submited by ���rt��
Edited by Tantilazing

why do dogs lick their balls?
because they can

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.

Well the first guy says, “I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.”

Well the second guy says, “Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.”

Well the third guy says, “Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.”

Well the fourth guys clearly states, “Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.”

The other three guys say really? Why’s that?

And the fourth guys says, “Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn’t know what to do … so I shit my pants!”

2 blondes walked into a bar

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then he
orders the bartender to prepare another double

Martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket
and orders the bartender to bring another double

Martini.

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring yaw’ martinis all night long. But
you got to tell me why you look inside your

Shirt pockets before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to
look good, then I know it’s time to go home.”

Horse walks into a bar.
The bar tender looks up and asks him, “Why the long face?”