Category: bar & drinking

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender if he’d pay the guy $20 if he could show him the most amazing thing in his life. The bartender agrees, and the man pulls out a small white mouse and a tiny piano. The mouse starts to play old man river on the piano.
The bartender isn’t quite amazed yet.

So, the man pulls out a bullfrog, who starts singing along to the mouse’s playing.

The bartender admits that that is the most amazing thing he’s ever seen, and gives the guy his $20.

Another guy sitting next to the man sees the frog and says “Wow, I will give you a thousand dollars right now for that frog!”

The man agrees, and sells him the frog.

After the man who bought the frog leaves, the bartender sez, “Man, you must be insane. That frog could have made you a fortune.”

The man says, “Not really, the mouse is a ventroliquist too.”

your mommas so fat when she jumped in the ocean
the ocean jumped out.

Did you hear the one about the rheumatoid alcoholic?

Every night he gets stiff in a different joint.

Two men walked into a bar.You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

“My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on
a crutch, one arm in a cast.

“I got in a tiff with Riley.”

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. “He must have
had something in his hand.”

“Aye, that he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord, didn’t you have anything in YOUR hand?”

“Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s tit.” Kelly said. “And a beautiful thing it
was, but not much use in a fight!”

A man walked into a bar and ordered a 12-year-old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, “I asked for a 12-year-old scotch, not a three-year-old one.”

When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right — he had served him a three-year-old scotch.

The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this time a six-year-old one.

The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, “I asked for a
12-year-old scotch, not a six-year-old one.”

The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a 12-year-old one, as requested.

The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, “I think I asked for a 12-year-old scotch, not a nine-year-old one.”

The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded 12-year-old scotch.

The customer took a sip and added, “This is what I asked for in the first place.”

At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to take a sip.

The fellow did so, spat it out and said, “Good Lord, that’s piss!”

The other man added, “Now tell me how old I am.”

Edited by calamjo and curtis

Ther was 3 men
an English Man
an Irish Man
and a Scottish man
and they was all in the desert and they found a lamp
the geni said you can have 1 wish each before you die so
the Irish Man wished for a pint of Guiness
the scottish man wish for bag-pipes
and ther English wished for a car door
and undun the window and said better open a window its
Hot In Here

sdfsadfsadf

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings it to him and asks “Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps”. The guy says “Well, I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!” “Wow, that must have been hard!” the bartender says “What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?” The guy at the bar replies “Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!”

This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a leash. The bartender yells at him, “You can’t bring that animal in here!”The man says, “This isn’t just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I’ll show you.” He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, then says, “This alligator can hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a time.”So, the bartender says “47 seconds.” The man says, “OK, when I say go, start your watch. Go!” The alligator opens its mouth wide, while the bartender watches his mouth. The man says, “To prove how much confidence I have in my pet, I’m gonna lay my dick in his mouth. But, just for safety’s sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on.” The man does so, and when the bartender starts saying “45…46…47..,” right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the alligator’s mouth snaps shut.Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, “Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?” And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean, trust only goes so far.One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.The man says, “You there!! You’re a real man! You’re brave enough to try this??!”To which the other man says, “Yeth, but I don’t think I could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds.”

Dear Pal:Well here it is, the end of another year, and as is my custom I take out a little time to write a few of my good friends, it is the time when I remember all the good things that have happened to me in the past twelve months. When I reflect on the value of the friendships I have cherished over the years. When, in fact, I indulge myself to the extent of waxing a bit sentimental.It’s a snowy evening, the doorbell rings, intermittently, but here in my den it is cozy and comfortable and peaceful. I’m sitting before a nice open fire with my typewriter, sort of half-listening to the hi-fi, and slowly sipping a nice very dry double Martini. I surely wish you were here but since you are not, the least I can do is toast your health and happiness for the coming year so time out, old pal, while I bend my elbow with thoughts of you.I just took a recess to mix another Martini and while I was out in the kitchen I thought of all the time I would waste during the evening, chasing back and forth, so I just make up a big picther of martinies and broughggt it back in with me so I’d have it right here beside me and wouldn’t have to wast time making more of them. So now I’m all set and here goes pal. Besides Marinis are a great drink. For some reason they never seem to have the effect on me in the slightest that they have on oter fellas. Can drinj them all day longg so here goes.The greatest think in tje whole word is friendship. A n believe me pal you are the greatet pal anybody every had. do you rember all the swel; times we had to gether pal/ The wonferful times on the road I8ll never forgt the time we were in Tledo and met that babe in the swlloon that redhesd. You rescl you.I remenber you kept puting brandey in my drinj whehn I wasennt looking and it make me sicj and you rascale you snuck ofd with the redheed brod. Ha. ha. Boy hoew we laughd dint’t we. It was pretty funny anywah. I still laught abot it onec in whiel. Not as mcuch as usd to. But whag the hell after all you stilk my bedst old pal pal. And if a guy canot havr a laughg with a treu froe, md once in a wihle waht the fuxk.Escue me. Pictcher was empt so I just mde nother one. hot dam. I sure wish yoi were her olf pal help me drinj thes Martuni because they arw simptly delidious. I lifty my glasx to you good health oncemore you are the bests pall I got. Of cours why a pal would do a dirrty thing like that load up a pals drinj with branidy mak him sick as a dof, lousyt thing for antbody to do, onlhy a firdt class prock wold do a thing lije that. Wasnet a bit funny and if yoi thinj its funnyu you are aboyt the worsr dhit heeel I evre had the midforyune to make the aquantentce of you somb of birfh lous and as far as I am concerbed yot can go to helk and on th way kisa me ass.

A tired looking gentleman walks up to a bar and asks the bartender quite explicitly for nine double martinis, extra dry, hold the olives, and to serve them all at once, right away. The bartender gives the man a curious look, but to no effect, and proceeds to mix and pour the man’s request. The gentleman picks up the first and turns it up quickly before the bartender can finish pouring even the second one, and proceeds to drink each one in turn.

Finally, the bartender has to ask. “Why all the drinks?”

“Celebrating!”

“Oh? What’s the occasion?”

“My first blowjob.”

“Well, congratulations. Let me give you one on the house to make it an even ten.”

“No thanks. If this doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help any.”