Category: bar & drinking

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”

After a hot, hard day’s work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied “There’s one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.”

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said ” I named mine Nike…like you know… just go for it!”

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said ” I got one… Secret.” The bartender said “Why Secret?” Joe said “Well… it’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.”

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT’S a drinking problem.9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.10. You fall off the floor11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.13. Every night you’re beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive14. I’m not drunk you’re just sober!!15. Roseanne looks good16. You don’t recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.19. You’ve fallen and can’t get up.20. The shrubbery’s drunk too, from frequent watering.

HOW DO YOU BRAINWASH A BLONDE?
GIVE HER A DOUCHE THEN HOLD HER UPSIDE DOWN.

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn’t long before he was arrested for rustling. A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining “The drinks were OK but there is no atmosphere.”

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his.

So he sits down with his friend and tells him, ”Friend, I got a dilemma.”

The friend asks him, ”What’s the problem?”

He says, ”Well, I went on my honeymoon and I was excited because I would make love to her for the first time.”

And the friend asks, ”So what is the problem?”

”Let me finish,” says the friend. ”when the time came, my wife took out her orthopaedic leg, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her arm, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her eye, and finally took off her hair and put them both in the closet.”

”Wow,” says his friend, ”and what seems to be the dilemma?”

”Well,” says the guy, ”I don’t know if I should make love to her on the bed or in the closet.”

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis

He loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. Miss a
ferry late at night, and you have to spend the next hour or so wandering the
deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided
he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed
on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, “Well, I
made that one, didn’t I?’

“Sure did,” the bystander said. “But you should have waited a minute or two.
The ferry is just about to dock.”

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was
wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.

The man responded, “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, “Officer,
don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out,
“I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, “Are we
over the border yet?”

How come the chicken crossed the road? Answer: To get to the otherside …

O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.”Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares , puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, “What’s the occasion?” The guy says,”I’m celebrating my first blowjob!”, as he finishes off the last shot.”Well,” says the bartender, “in that case, here have one on the house ” and he fills another shot glass.”No thanks,” says the guy, “If twelve didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, one more won’t!”