Category: bar & drinking

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s
drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off
the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he
jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his
mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate
and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man
is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is
disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replied the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass,
pulled it out and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. He still eats everything in
sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything
first.”

what do you get if you cross a elephant with a skunk

answer=a smell that you will never forget

An armless man walked into a bar, which is empty except for the bartender. He
ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the
money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass
to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then
asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from
his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to
have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is
your restroom?”

The bartender quickly replied, “The closest one is in the gas station three
blocks down the street�.

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve
grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has
never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a
little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender
begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you
ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartender says no.

”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

why 6 dont like 7?
ans- because seven hate nine (7 8 9) and six and nine are mates.

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. “Excuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?” “Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

I received this warning about the use of the politically incorrect term, “Towel Heads.”

We have been informed that the Islamic terrorists do not like to be called Towel Heads.”

The item they wear on their heads is actually a very small sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as “Little Sheet Heads.”

– Always make every effort to keep hands, hair, clothing and jewelry clear of the garbage disposal unit while vomiting in your host’s kitchen sink. – Embarrassing potentially serious injury can be avoided by asking you host or hostess for assistance in locating the bathroom light switch. What feels like a toilet in a darken room may instead be a life-threatening washing machine when used improperly. – The safety-conscious party animal knows that it’s important NEVER to stand on the “hinge” side of a bathroom door. – When the time comes to dance on the bar while performing a striptease, it is important to avoid injury by first removing any bottles, spills or beer nuts, which could cause a sudden loss of balance. – When it becomes apparent that you about to pass out, serious trampling injuries can be avoided by quietly directing yourself to a low-traffic area prior to losing consciousness. – Depending on you level of intoxication, a common cushion or pillow may bear a striking resemblance to a full bag of potato chips. Select your snacks with care at all times to avoid the irreversible effects of Dacron Polyester poisoning. – When operating motor vehicles indoors, insure that adequate ventilation is provided to avoid exposing yourself and others to dangerous levels of carbon monoxide from engine exhaust. – Always walk, never run, during the mandatory “wearing of the lampshade”, as there may be hazards of which you are visually unaware. – When it comes time to trash your host’s home or apartment, it is important to avoid the risk of electric shock by first unplugging any appliances you intend to destroy.

So, my friend said,”Hey, what do you think about him?””Who? the principal?”I said. “No way Jose!!”she said. “Are you calling ME Jose?? Huh,huh???”I said. “No! Why would I, booger times infinity!!!!”she screamed in my ear. “Muppet Puppet MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”I said laughing. Then someone was sneaking around the school and he heard our conversation,so when he passed us, WE GAVE HIM A DOUBLE WEDGIE!! And his boxers had B-A-R-N-E-Y on them so he was the laugh of the school!!

A rich man and a poor man had a talk about cristmass presents
richman \I got my wife a ring and a BMW for cristmass
poorman \ why both
richman \ if she dont like the ring she can drive back with
a smile
poorman \ i got my wife a piar of slippers and a vibraitor
richman \ why both
poorman \ if she dont like the slippers she can go fuck her self

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in. ”Are you sure this is your house?” the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man. ”Shertainly,” said the drunk, ”an’ if you’ll jesh open the door f’me, I’ll prove it to you.”The cop obliges by opening the door.”You shee that piano?” the drunk began. ”Thash mine. You shee that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me!”The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. ”Thish ish my bedroom,” he announced. ”Shee that bed? Thash my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And shee that guy lying next to her?””Yeah,” said the cop suspiciously.”Thash me!”

There’s this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays
like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck
driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just
drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man,
I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just
can’t see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous,
fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it
was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the
gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was
thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink
my poison…”