Category: bar & drinking

Check out my joke page!

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

Yo mom is so fat she had 7 babys at a time

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: “If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?””Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.””Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?””It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.”What do you mean her speech impediment?”inquired the first fellow.”My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!””Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!!”

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other
end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and
asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” To
which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with
you tonight!” By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a
few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and
says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in
psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To
which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!”

ONE DAY AN ELEPHANT MET UP WITH A CAMEL.
ASKED THE ELEPHANT,WHY DO YOU CARRY YOUR TIT,S ON YOUR BACK.
THE CAMAL LOOKED AT THE ELEPHANT AND REPLYED.
YOU SHOULD BE THE LAST TO TALK,FOR SOMEONE WITH HIS DICK ON HIS HEAD.

Definition: Anyone that is a pain in the butt.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and
hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but
nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing
thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I�d like
to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and
squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
man.

But the crowd�s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man
“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

This guy goes to a whore house and fucks this chick for 10 dollars… the guy wakes up the next morining and felt something biting at his crotch and he found out that he had crabs. so he drives over to the whore house and asks to speak with the lady he slept with the night before. so he goes up to the lady and says hey i got crabs from you last night, the lady then replies hell what did you expect for ten dollars lobster?

pop is a cat

This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens.

His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him.

“What do you think you’re doing there?” the policeman asked.

“I’m on my works outing” came the slurred reply.

“Then” the policeman queried, “where are all the others?”

“Ah” the man grinned, “You see officer, I’m self employed!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

A solution to all of your drinking troublesSymptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.Fault: Glass is empty.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Feet cold and wet.Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.Symptom: Feet warm and wet.Fault: Loss of self-control.Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.Symptom: Bar blurred.Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Bar swaying.Fault: Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.Symptom: Bar moving.Fault: You are being carried out.Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.Fault: You have fallen over backwards.Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.Fault: You have fallen over forwards.Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time – if not treat yourself to a lie in.Symptom: Everything has gone dim.Fault: The pub is closing.Solution: Panic.