Category: bar & drinking

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”. She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.”A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock..”I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.

A bartender asks a guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”

“A scotch, please.” The guy replied.

The bartender gives him the drink and says, “That’s five dollars.” “What are you talking about?” the man replies. “I don’t owe you anything for this.”

The fellow sitting next to him at the bar was a lawyer, who decided to get into the discussion. “You know,” he tells the bartender, “he’s got you there. In the original offer, constituting a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of payment.”

The irritated bartender says to the first guy, “Fine. You beat me for a drink. But I don’t ever want to see you in here again.”

The following day, the very same guy comes back into the bar. The bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I told you not to come back!”

The guy replies, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place before in my life!”

The bartender looks confused. “I’m sorry then, but this is really weird. You must have a double.”

The man immediately replies, “Thank you very much! Make it a scotch.”

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.””Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back…”I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?””Yeah, my wife…”

A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender ”Can I have a pint of beer please”

The bartender says ”Certainly sir, that’s �1.80 please”

And the pig goes ”Well, the thing is before I cam here I’d just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets.”

And the bartender goes ”Well that’s all very well but why the round tale/tail?”

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the “Beer-Me” diet. Personally, I have a “liquid dinner” every time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn’t water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the “Beer-Me” diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren’t necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional “How did I get here?” when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

FACT: The “Beer-Me” diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.

FACT: On the “Beer-Me” diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the day’s required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the “lean-over-and-hurl” stomach crunches.

FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.

FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.

Based on these facts, let’s run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.

FRIDAY: Feeling “huge,” swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with “the dog that bit you.” This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don’t feel hungry.

SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don’t want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don’t forget the aspirin.

MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.

Happy dieting.

yo mama so fat when she licks her fingers at KFC she licks everyones fingers

A guy walked into a bar… OUCH!

There Were 3 Vampire’s that walked into a bar.

the bar man shouts ” wat wud u guys like “

the vampires look at each other

1st vampire says 1 shot of blood plz

2nd vampire says i’d like a double plz

3rd vampire says just a glass of water plz

the bar man walks of to get them there drinks.

and he says to the third vampire why did u only want water?

the 3rd vampire says well ive got a tampon im making a cup of tea

Two guys walk into a bar…
You would think the second guy would have ducked.

One day a man walked in to a bar and asked the bartender oh bartender what is that $20.00 for so the bartender said well whoever can make my camel laugh get the money so the man walks behind and makes the camel laugh so the bartender asked the man how did you make him laugh, so the man replies oh its a secret, so the next day the same man walks in the bar and sees $40.00 dollars on the bar and asked the bartender what is that money for and he says well who ever can make my camel cry wins the money so the man walks behind and made the camel cry so the bartender asked the man how did you make him cry and he said well the firt time i told your camel my ball’s were bigger then his and the second time i pulled my pants down and my balls were bigger then his…..

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The barman asks him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.’The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the other’s in Australia and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together’The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh no,’ he says. ‘Everyone’s fine. I’ve just given up drinking.’

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day,
they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the
boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or
came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent
playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before
meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her
husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her
house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave
early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. “No
way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”