tom: hey baby, ya wanna suck me down there?
sarah: sorry, i choke on small objects!
Category: bar & drinking
Driving While Intoxicated
It seems the gentleman had over-imbibed at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn’t coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
“Are you Mr. Smith?” they asked?
He admitted that he was.
“Were you pulled over at 11:30 last night for driving under the influence?”
Again, the man admitted that was he.
“And what did you do then,” the troopers asked.”
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
“Where is your car now?” the troopers inquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
“May we see the car?” asked the troopers.
The man answered, “Sure,” and opened the garage.
Inside was the state trooper’s car.
The counter-lunch
There once was this guy who walked into a bar and ordered a counter-lunch.
When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas on His plate. The man stares at
them for a moment and than proceeds to tell the barman, “Gee, I haven’t had a
pea in forty Years.”
The barman then yells to the entire pub, “Quick, anyone who can’t swim grabs a
chair!”
Hank’s Beard
Best friends, Vinnie and Hank, are in their local bar, having a few drinks. Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hank’s beard. Vinnie says, “Your face feels just like my wife’s pussy.”Hank strokes it himself and says, “Ya, you’re right!”
The Top 14 Names for Hip-Hop Drinks
14> Rum DMC
13> Cuervo Gold Tooth
12> MC Hammered
11> Harvey Gangbanger
10> Singapore Bling
9> 2-Pack Liqueur
8> Sloe Gin Fizzizzle Shanizzle
7> Gin and Chronic
6> Old Dirty Plastered
5> R. Kelley’s Sex on the Playground
4> Notorious V.S.O.P.
3> J.Lo Shots
2> Sex on the Beyotch
1> That Pink Sh*t With the Umbrella an’ Sh*t
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Whats the Pubs Name
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.”The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?””Nope.””Mike’s Tavern?””No,””Mike’s Pub?””No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get’s it. The joint’s name is Sally’s Leggs!”That’s a good one.” the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask’s him what he is doing there. He responds, “I’m just waiting for Sally’s Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”
I get so drunk that I imagine things
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?””A mongoose.””What for?””Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.” “But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.” “That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”
Another bar joke
A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. ouch!
Does your dog bite?
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?””No.”A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.”I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” the man says indignantly.”That’s not my dog.”
gorrilla
It was closing time at the local sports-oriented pub and the only people left there were the bar keep, a drunk, and a gorilla standing in the corner. The barkeep looks at the drunk and said, “Wanna see something neat?”
He whistled to the gorilla, the gorilla came over and stood in front of the bar keep. The barkeep lightly tapped the gorrilla on the head with a small plastic bat he kept behind the bar, immediately the gorrilla dropped to his knees and gave the man a blow job.
When he was done, the barkeep looked at the drunk and said, “Wanna try it?”
The drunk said, “Sure, just don’t hit me too hard with the bat!”
Apple
Q.Why did the appleroll?
A.Because he say the appleturnover!
Two women were at a bar
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, “You know, 80
percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.”
“Well,” said the other woman,” that will certainly revolutionize the game of
hockey!”