Category: bar & drinking

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty
the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful
consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant
task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork
from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one
glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured
the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth
bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I
pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and
threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and
poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled
the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the
house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again,
and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not under the
affluence of alcohol as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as think as you
might drink. I fool so feeblish I don’t know who
is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I’m not drunk you silly
sit! …

Yo mum so fat……

-she really does come from both sides of the family.
-she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.
-she jumped into the ocean and wiped out the existence of life.
-when she sat on the toilet it broke.
-she cant even see her feet.
-she cannot see all of her in the mirror.

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.”

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”

At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,”
he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there’s not a soul in here but us.”

“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.

“Say what?” replied the man in disbelief.

“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

Q:WHY DID FROSTY THE SNOWMAN PULL DOWN HIS PANTS

A:HE HEARD THE SNOWBLOWER COMEING

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

‘What can I get you?’ the barman asks.

‘I want six shots of whisky,’ responds the young man.

‘Six shots? Are you celebrating something?’

‘Yeah, my first blowjob.’

‘Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.’

The young man says, ‘No offence sir, but if six shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.’

A snail walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of water.
The bartender then yelled “get out of my bar””!!He kicked the snail 20 feet away from the bar.
20 years later the snail comes back and asks “”why did you do that””??

“

A German, a Pollock, and a Jew sit down at the bar.The Bartender says, “What is this, some kind of Joke?”

One day, a bar owner decided he had enough of the slow business and needed a gimmick. He finally decided on one. He got a horse and put it in the bar. He placed a sign over the horse and had the sign read.
“Pay $100, make the horse laugh win $1000” For years, the gimmick worked. Finally, a man walked into the bar saw the sign and asked, “Is that sign for real?” The bar owner told him it was.

The man paid $100, walked up to the horse and whispered something to the horse. The horse started to laugh falling to his knees.

The next day, the owner changed the sign.

Pay $100, make the horse cry, win $1000. For years the gimmick worked. One day, the same man walked into the bar and saw the sign. He paid the bar owner $100 and asked for a curtain. The man closed the curtain and then opened it a couple of moments later. The horse was now crying up a storm.

The man walked up to the bar owner and asked for his money. “Not so fast”, the bar owner said, “First you have to tell me what you did both times!” “Simple”, said the man, “First I told him I was bigger, this time I proved it”

There’s a guy in a bar, it’s late, and the guy and the bartender are the only ones left in the bar.

The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, “If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?”

The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, “ok, show me”

The guy then spits, and makes it in the glass, without getting any on the counter or the floor.

The bartender say, “That’s amazing! You deserve the $50!”

The next day, about noon, the guy’s in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if he could do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would be give him $100?

The bartender agrees, and the guy spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else. Than the evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks glass all over the bar. He than says to the guy, “if you can spit in all of these glass at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I’ll give you $200”

The guy says, “Sure, but I need a little time to get ready”

So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. the bartender, seeing that the guy has missed every single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys than pays the bartender, and says, “I don’t see what you’re so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you’d be happy about it.”

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. one is crying. the other asks
what’s wrong. the crying drunk says, “i’ve puked all over myself again and my
wife’s gonna kill me. what do i do pal?”

The one drunk offers this advice: “explain to your wife that some other drunk
puked on you. put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk
was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned.”

“Sound like a great idea,” says the crying drunk.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him
about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, “look for you, there’s ten bucks
in my pocket.”

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. “wait a minute, i
thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you,” says the wife.

“He did,” say the drunk, “but he s*** in my pants too!”

This guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor.

He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk.

He said, “I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up.”

The other guy said, “Yeah right.” Well, the guy jumped out the window.

“Oh my god, he actually did it,” said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top.

“How did you do that?”

“Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?”

“Alright, get out of the way!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” SPLAT

The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, “Damn it Superman, you’re mean when you’re drunk!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

yo mommas teeth so yellow , every time she go on the street and smile cars slow down