Category: bar & drinking

An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!” The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.” Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!” “Wow!” say the other two.”That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?” “No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” ~ Jack Handy
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ” ~ Frank Sinatra
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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~ Henny Youngman
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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” ~ Stephen Wright
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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” ~ Brian O’Rourke
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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ “Unknown”
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Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo, yisman and Tantilazing

Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to
inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship
slipped under the surface.

After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and
water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst, and
starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it
drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed
the lamp and rubbed it.

Out popped a tired old genie who said, “Okay, I’ve been doing this 3-wishes
stuff for a while now guys, and, quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys only
get one wish and then I’m outtalk here… so make it a good one.”

The first guy blurted out, without thinking, “Give us all the beer we can
drink for the rest of our lives!”

“Fine,” said the genie, and the entire ocean to beer was instantly turned into
beer.

“Great move, Einstein,” said the second guy, slapping the first guy on
the side of the head. “Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”

if i saw a flying bum i would grab a glass of milk and say yuck that was crap

who will be the next pope? you can decide!
tune in tonight on i.t.v for pope idol.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor… Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: ‘Hi my name is… uh…’ Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. I’m as sober as a judge. The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.

The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there’s a snail sitting on the doorstep.

”What do you want?” asks the owner.

”I want a beer,” says the snail.

”First of all, we’re closed, and second of all, we don’t serve snails. So go away!”

The snail begs and pleads for a beer. The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the door.

ONE YEAR LATER….

The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there is a knock at the door. He opens the door and there’s a snail sitting on the doorstep.

”What’d you do that for?” asks the snail.

whats the difference between a poultry breeder and a prostotute?
they both raise cocks for a living

A duck walks into a bar and said to the bar men
” have you got any bread”
and the barmen replied
” no sorry “
so the duck said
” have you got any bread “
and the barmen said
” no “
and so the duck said
” have you got any bread “
and the barmen said
” no and if you ask me one more time i will nail your beek to the counter “
so the duck said
” have you got any nails
” and the barmen said
” no “
so the duck said
” have you got any bread “.

What did the guy say when he walked into the bar?

OUCH!!!!

OVER A PINT IN THE PUB. THE ENGLISH MAN, THE SCOTCH MAN, AND THE IRISH MAN WERE DISCUSSING THE NAMES OF THEIR CHILDREN.AH SAID THE ENGLISH MAN THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON GEORGE HE WAS BORN ON SAINT GEORGES DAY.AH SAID THE SCOTCH MAN, THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON ANDREW HE WAS BORN ON SAINT ANDREWS DAY. AH SAID THE IRISH MAN ,THAT REMINDS ME OF MY SON PANCAKE.