Category: bar & drinking

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: “Come on man, I was just joking.
Tell ya what; I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man
crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired
me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab
driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the
cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left
home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my
life, you show up…… and drink my poison…”

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?” The bartender quickly replied, “The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,”That was a karate chop from China.”The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ”Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury areoplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him ‘inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do dont press the third one.’ Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sat on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are Cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the scond button. Then dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to fin out what button 3 does. The next thing mark sees is John staring at him…..’what happened?’ mark asks shakily. Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital. ”Why do my privates hurt” mark asked anxiously..John replies ”Well you activated the automatic tampon remover.”

what do you call a woodpeeker with out a beak
a head banger

20 Easy Steps to Cook a Turkey

1. Go and buy a turkey.

2. Take a drink of whisky (scotch or bourbon).

3. Put turkey in the oven.

4. Take another two drinks of whisky.

5. Set the degree at 180 ovens.

6. Take three more whiskies of drink.

7. Turn oven the on.

8. Take four whisks of drinky.

9. Turk the bastey.

10. Whisky another bottle of get.

11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.

12. Glass yourself a pour of whisky.

13. Bake the whisky for four hours.

14. Take the oven out of the turkey.

15. Take the oven out of the turkey.

16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.

17. Turk the carvey.

18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.

19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.No further testing is planned.

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, “That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s the problem?”
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, “I found my wife in bed with my best friend.”

‘Wow,” says the barkeep. “What did you do about it?” “I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.”

“That makes sense,” remarks the barkeep… “And, what about your best friend?”

“I looked him right in the eye and yelled, **Bad Dog** “

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed
the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini
and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar
was full of olives, he staggered out.
“Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!”
“What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for
a jar of olives.”

The scene: a posh bar, velvet draperies, pianist playing a soft jazz in the background. A patron orders a cognac. The waiters brings him one and, no sooner has he left the drink on the man’s table that a little monkey runs from one end of the bar, jumps on the table, dips his tail into the man’s cognac and leaves as quickly as he appeared.”Strange…” thinks the man. “This is quite unexpected. It’s actually sort of funny. No big deal. I’ll just order another one.” So, he orders another cognac. Almost immediately, the monkey comes back in a flash, dips his tail and runs away”Well, once is barely funny. Twice is wearing thin on my sense of humor.” Still, he decides to order another one anyway. Of course, as soon as the waiter leaves the table, the same thing happens again. Angrily, the man gets up and walks to the pianist, who was playing lazily next to him and says, “Do you know the little monkey who dips his tail in my cognac?””Why, no.” Says the pianist. “But if you hum me a few bars I can play it for you.”

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.He said, ‘I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.’ She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, ‘It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.’ She replied, ‘You mean it shows that, too?’

An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.