Category: bar & drinking

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
the locals had a habit of picking on strangers.

So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went
back into the bar; handily flipped his gun into the air caught it above his head
and fired a shot into the ceiling. ”WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY
HOSES?” he Yelled. No one answered. ”ALL RIGHT, I’M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER’
BEER, AND IF MY HOSES ISN�T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GOING TO DO
WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked
outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of Town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ”Say partner, before you go .
. . what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, ”I had to walk
home.”

How do u now ur at a gay barbeque?

The hot dogs taste like shit!

what do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? pregnant

ONCE ONE SARDARJI GOES TO A HOTEL. HE EATES FULLY. AND AFTER EATING HE GOES TO WASH HIS HANDS IN THE WASHBASIN. INSTEAD OF WASHING HIS HANDS HE STARTS WASHING THE WASHBASIN,THE MANAGER COMES RUNNING AND ASKS PRAHJI AAP KYA KAR RAHE HO. THE SARDARJI REPLIES AAP NE TO BORD LAGAYA HE KI WASHBASIN

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a manhattan with a plum in it.
The bartender says, “You mean a cherry.”

She says, “No, I mean a plum.”

The bartender says, “Look lady, I’ve been tending bar for 20 years and you’re the first person that’s ever asked for a manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?”

She said, “Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I’ve been plumb crazy ever since!”

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the
bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”

The fellow replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and
well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or
even feeding them the right foods.”

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can
do. “Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”

The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try
it�.

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was
before. “What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of
one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart
again!”

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “Why don’t you
try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back�.

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the
fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of
a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.
“I. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and. it… it… grew
back!”

The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “For crying
out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that
the other one!” The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms
out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won
the lottery. “It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses and the
black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger at Mascot in Sydney. It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, ‘Man, have you got anything to drink?’ ‘Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that’ll kinda give you a buzz.’ So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time. The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up. But it didn’t. He felt good. In fact, he felt great – no hangover! Bill’s phone rang, it was Bob. Bob asked, ‘Hey, how do you feel?’ ‘I feel great!’ replied Bill. ‘I feel great too! You don’t have a hangover?’ ‘No. That jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover. We ought to do this more often!’ ‘Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing…’ ‘What’s that?’ ‘Did you fart yet?’ ‘What?’ ‘Did you fart yet?’ ‘No…’ ‘Well, don’t, because I’m in Melbourne!’

One day a man and a donkey walked into a bar and the man asked the bar tender “hi may i please have two beers one for me and one for my donkey friend” and the bar tender gave them the beers. Then a few minutes later the man asked for two more beers one for him and one for his donkey friend. Then the man said “excuse me while i go to the restroom” and the bar tender asked why does he keep calling you his donkey friend. and he said “hee haw hee haw he likes me, hee haw hee haw he likes me.

A man and his wife stopped in at a bar, sat down on a stool beside this guy,
after a while this man let go with a sizzle the man with his wife ask, did you
fart fore my wife, the man replied, didn�t know it was her turn.

Alright, we all celebrate at New Year’s, some to excess. However, please consider the below listed tip-offs as Signs You May Have A Drinking Problem the rest of the year:

* You fall off the floor quite often

* The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

* Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle

* Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense

* You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects

* You have a “Reserved Parking” space at your liquor store

* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar

* You don’t recognize people, unless seen through bottom of glass

* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth

* You think the 4 Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.”I have chapped lips.””Does manure help them heal?””No, but it keeps me from licking them.”

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: “Come on man, I was just joking.
Tell ya what; I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man
crying.”

“No, it’s not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired
me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab
driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the
cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left
home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my
life, you show up…… and drink my poison…”