Category: bar & drinking

1. You’d rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “stay still.”3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!” 8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.”9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my
name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you Can guess the name of this bar in
three tries.”

The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?”

“Nope.”

“Mike’s Tavern?”

“No,”

“Mike’s Pub?”

“No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gut�s it. The joint’s name is
Sally’s Legs!

“That’s a good one.� the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop
pulls up and asks him what he is doing there. He Responds, “I’m just waiting for
Sally’s Legs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”

A man walks into a pub and says, “Give me three pints of Guinness, please�.

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately
sip one, then the other, and then the third until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them
cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re
low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia,
and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night
we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts
too and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the
guy’s three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes
in and orders only two. He drinks them, and then orders two more. The bartender
sadly says, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry
that one of your brothers died�.

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking�.

Joe: Well I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those Viagra pills. The Doctor told me they wouldn’t help my love life at all.Bartender: Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy.Joe: The Doctor told me it wouldn’t help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer it makes the beer shoot out of your nose – Jack Handy

It’s better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank.

Beer – It’s just not for breakfast anymore.

Beer – Natures Laxative.

One more and I’ll be under the host – Dorothy Parker

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. – Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. – David Moulton

A drink a day, keeps the shrink away. – Edward Abbey

People who drink “light” beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. – Capital Brewery WI

Put it back in the horse!! – H. Allen Smith after his first American beer.

On the seventh day He brewed beer. – Bill Bradshaw

Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t have the decency to thank her. – W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

The problem with jails is they have wrong type of bars in there.

The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he’d been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, “What happened?”The guy chugged the beer and said, “I was fighting for Joanne’s virginity.””No kidding?””Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it.”

How do you filet a fly?

You unzip it and pull out the bone!

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won’t let him in the guy asks,
“‘Why not?”

“Because you’re not wearing a tie,” says the bouncer.

“But I have come all the way from the other end of town�, says the guy.

“Sorry mate, that’s the rules,” says the bouncer.

So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or
something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself,
and goes back to the club.

“Is this all right?” he asks the bouncer.

“Well, all right then�, replies the bouncer. “But I’ll be watching you – don’t
start anything!”

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a
shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out.

He promptly hollers at the bartender: “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!”

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn’t
believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old
scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of
12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been
watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says:
“Shay mister, taste this!” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

“It tastes like piss,” he shoots back at the drunk. The drunken replies: “It
is. How old am I?”

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the empire state building
when the first man turns to the other and says, “you know, last week i
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall
to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry
you around the building and back into the window.”

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, “what are you a nut? there is no way that could happen.”

“No, it’s true,” said the first man, “let me prove it to you.”

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street
below. when he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the
building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up
to the bar. he met the second man, who looked quite astonished.

“You know, i saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
fluke.”

“No, i’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps. again just
as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

“Well, what the hell,” the second guy says, “it works, i’ll try it!”

He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th
floors …and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says “you know,
superman, sometimes you can be a real a******.”

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.”How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud John to a deck hand.”It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”

A blonde walks into a bar and guess what she says? OUCH!