Category: bar & drinking

There was this guy, let’s call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, “wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!” Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, “do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?” and the bartender said to another person that was there, “hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!”

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?” “I’m from Ireland.” “Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Ireland are you from?” “Dublin.” “Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Dublin are you from?” “The East Side.” “The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where on the East Side are you from?” “McDonagh Street.” “Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.” As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?” “Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,”it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”

yo mamas pussy is so fishy she went to sea world and thay said no experts

So a guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.When he walks up to the bar and orders a drink, the bar tender says:”Gee that must be a bit annoying mate”The guy replies: “Yeah, its driving me nutts!”

An englshman, american, and a canadian went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. “Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!” The american shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The canadian was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, “Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!”

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!

A man comes home late one night, drunk.”Where have you been?” asks his wife.”In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!” This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.”Do you have golden chairs?””Yes.””Do you have golden glasses?””Yes.””Do you have golden beer?””Yes.””Do you have a golden urinal?””Hold on.”On the other end, she hears “I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.”

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, ”I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day.”

The other man responds, ”What is a Freudian Slip?”

”You know, it’s when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I asked her for ‘to Pickets to Tittsburgh.”

The second replies, ”Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It’s like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, ”YOU RUINED MY LIFE BITCH!”

A LITTTLE GIRL GOES UPSTAIRS AND HER BROTHER SAYS PUSSEY AND BALLS AND SHE ASKED WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,HE SAID UNBRELLAS AND RAINCOATS SO SHE WHENT TO SHE WHAT EHR SISTER WAS DOING AND SHE SAID BITCHES AND DICKS AND SHE SAID WHAT DOES THAT MEAN AND SHE SAYS LADIES AND GENTALMEN.THEN SHE GOES TO SSEE WHAT HER DAD DOING AND HE SAID SH IT AND SHE SAID WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HE SAID SHAVIVG.LASTSHE WHENT TO SEE WHAT HER MOM WAS DOING SHE SAID FUCK THE GIRL SAID WHAT DOES THAT MEAN SHE SAID CUTTING. IT WAS POARING DOWN RAIN OUTSIDE WHEN HER GRANDPARENTS GOT THERE.THE GIRL SAID HI BITCHES AND DICKS MAY I GRAB YOUR PUSSEYS AND BALLS. MY DAD IS UPSTAIRS SHITTING HIMSELF AND MY MOM IS IN THE KITCHEN FUCKING A TURKEY.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. ‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!’ he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. ‘Never mind,’ he said with a hiccup, ‘I got in the back seat by mistake.’

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my
name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you Can guess the name of this bar in
three tries.”

The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?”

“Nope.”

“Mike’s Tavern?”

“No,”

“Mike’s Pub?”

“No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gut�s it. The joint’s name is
Sally’s Legs!

“That’s a good one.� the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop
pulls up and asks him what he is doing there. He Responds, “I’m just waiting for
Sally’s Legs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”