Category: bar & drinking

So I said “Hey man, that’s my beer.”

Then he says, “No man, that’s my beer.”

Then the beers say, “No man, we’re are own beers.”

That’s when we realized we had too many beers.

There’s this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.””No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

Once there was a guy in a bar. He was drinking one beer after another. Finally, after all of the beer he had to piss. So he asked the Bar tender where the bathroom was. The Bar tender told him to go down the hall make a right, then make another right. About 5 minutes later the bar tender hears, “Ahhh Yeah.” So the bar tender goes down to the bathroom and asks the guy what his problem is. The guy said, “Every time I flush the toilet it squeezes my balls!” The bar tender busts through the door and the guy was pissing in a mop bucket.

Suppose you’re at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot entralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

* Make Things Up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact YOU are underpaid, and you’re damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.

DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.”

Say: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

(NOTE: always make up exact figures.) If an opponent asks where you got your information, make THAT up too.

Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?”

Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say “You left your soiled underwear in my bath house”.

* Use Meaningless But Weightly-sounding Words and Phrases

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way

In terms of

Vis-a-vis

per se

As it were

qua

so to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as q.e.d., e.g., and i.e. These are all short for “I speak Latin and you do not”.

Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.” You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL if you say: “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

* Use Snappy and Irrelevant Combacks

You need an arsenal of all purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points.

The best are:

You’re begging the question

You’re being defensive

Don’t compare apples and oranges

What are your paramaters?

(This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what “paramaters” means.)

Here’s how to use your comebacks:

You say: Liberians, like most Asians….

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You’re being defensive.

* Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring up Hitler subtly.

Say: “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say” or “You certainly do remind me of Hitler”.

Now you know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.

They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize, a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.

Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.

Harry won the sixth prize, a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”

“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?””

“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

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Yo Mama is so fat she tripped over K-mart bounced over Wal-mart and landed right on target

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

“How much will that be?” asks the neutron.

“For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”

Drinker’s Alphabet
A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college

B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging

C is for Class :What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party

D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic

E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

F is for Fucked-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers

H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party

J is for Jail :Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home

K is for Kissing :What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L is for Lord :Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying

N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know

P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer

Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning

R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the toilet

S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk

T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk

U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town

V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour

W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it

Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end

Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. ”Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,” she spoke wisely. ”I agree completely, ma’am,” the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. ”This bottle of wine wasn’t even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.” ”That’s a great idea, miss,” the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. ”I’m sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?” ”No, thanks,” came the reply. ”I’ll just wait on the cops to get here.”

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I’ll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you’re even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase ‘let’s F***’is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter)activities.

Come on now, it’s only fair — you do your part, I’ll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?” “I’m from Ireland.” “Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Ireland are you from?” “Dublin.” “Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more. “Where in Dublin are you from?” “The East Side.” “The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!” They both finish their pints and order two more.”Where on the East Side are you from?” “McDonagh Street.” “Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that.” As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, “That’s amazing! I can’t believe they’re from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?” “Oh, it’s nothing amazing,” says the bartender,”it’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.”