Category: bar & drinking

three nuns have to sin so the first 1 confesses she made a baby cry so she drank from the holy water the third 1 cracks up the second 1 says she kicks a dog then she drank from the holy water the 3rd 1 cracks up even more the 3rd 1 says she peed in the holy water

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls “All you down there… You’re all a bunch of queer cock suckers!” he gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. “You’re all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.”All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says “Where the fuck you going?”The guy says “I’m at the wrong end of the bar.”

Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy’s too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy’s feet are dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.

The guy’s wife answers and says “Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Where’s his wheelchair?”

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shit faced. A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand’s wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, “Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you’ve got work to do.”

“Can’t,” mumbled Tex. “Too beat. Too tired. Can’t even lift my head.”

“Get the hell up!” she screamed in his ear. “I’ve seen you this hungover a thousand times.”

“Last night was different,” said the wretched fellow. “Some son of a bitch cut my horse’s head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!”

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on
his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl
the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull
himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon
as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
”So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” ”What makes you say that?” he asks,
as he puts on an innocent face. ”The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
again.”

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.”I have chapped lips.””Does manure help them heal?””No, but it keeps me from licking them.”

A man walks into a bar…ouch!!

A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.

The bartender speaks up and says “Hey what the hell are you doing?”

The blind man says, “Just taking a look around..”

Category: Bar Jokes Type: Stories Audience: Adult

THANKSGIVING & CHRISTMAS

MIKE WALKED INTO A PUB AND SAT DOWN AT THE BAR. HE ASK THE BAR TENDER FOR A BEER. MIKE THEN NOTICED A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN SITTING DOWN IN A SHORT SKIRT AT A TABLE ACROSS THE WAY. HE DIDN’T WANT TO STARE, SO HE KEPT GLANCING AT HER CONTINOUSLY.
HE NOTICED THAT SHE HAD A TATOO ON HER INNER THIGH. MIKE LOOKED HARDER AND SAW IT WAS A TATOO OF A TURKEY. MIKE THOUGHT… A TURKEY? HE COULDN’T LEAVE IT ALONE, SO HE KEPT LOOKING AND SHE MOVED JUST ENOUGH TO SEE THE OTHER THIGH. IT HAD A DAMN TATOO OF SANTA CLAUSE ON IT. MIKE FINISHED HIS BEER AND HE HAD ENOUGH, IT WAS BUGGING THE HELL OUT OF HIM. SO MIKE GOT UP, AND WENT OVER TO THE YOUNG LADY AND SAID, “EXCUSE ME, I COULDN’T HELP BUT NOTICE THE TWO TATOO’S YOU HAVE ON YOUR THIGHS… I WAS CURIOUS WHY A TURKEY AND A PICTURE OF SANTA CLAUSE?” THE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY BLUSHED A LITTLE AND SHE REPLIED, ” I WAS ALWAYS TOLD IT WAS GOOD EATING BETWEEN THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS.”

This guy goes into a bar leading a half-sized alligator on a leash. The bartender yells at him, “You can’t bring that animal in here!”

The man says, “This isn’t just any old alligator, he knows tricks. I’ll show you.” He lets the alligator climb up on the bar, then says, “This alligator can hold his mouth open for any length of time you say, to the exact second. Name a time.”

So, the bartender says “47 seconds.” The man says, “OK, when I say go, start your watch. Go!” The alligator opens its mouth wide, while the bartender watches his mouth. The man says, “To prove how much confidence I have in my pet, I’m gonna lay my dick in his mouth. But, just for safety’s sake, start counting the seconds from 45 on.” The man does so, and when the bartender starts saying “45…46…47..,” right when he says 48 the man pulls back his dick and the alligator’s mouth snaps shut.

Everyone at the bar was very impressed with this stunt. The man says, “Thanks a lot! Now, would anyone else like to try?” And, of course, all the men just sort of mumble and turn back to their drinks. I mean, trust only goes so far.

One little guy at the end raises his hand rather timidly.

The man says, “You there!! You’re a real man! You’re brave enough to try this??!”

To which the other man says, “Yeth, but I don’t think I could keep my mouth open the whole 47 seconds.”

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. ”You, sir, are drunk!” ”And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”

Joe: Well I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those Viagra pills. The Doctor told me they wouldn’t help my love life at all.Bartender: Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy.Joe: The Doctor told me it wouldn’t help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!