Category: bar & drinking

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was
wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
”What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked.
The man responded, ”I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ”Officer,
don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out,
”I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ��are we
over the border yet?”

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.

The polish guy calls the bartender over and says “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.”

The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.”

“What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!”

“O.K.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.”

“And why not?” asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a lesbian.”

“I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of Lesbia are you from?”

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, “Buddy, if she went out with me, she’d never go out with you ever again.”To which the local jock replied, “Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she’d never go out with ANYONE ever again.”

*** Signs that you “just might” have a drinking problem. ***

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.
“Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
“BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls “All you down there… You’re all a bunch of queer cock suckers!” he gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. “You’re all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.”

All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says “Where the fuck you going?”

The guy says “I’m at the wrong end of the bar.”

micky and minnie in the divorce courts , the judge turns to mickey and says, u can`t divorce minnie for having bucked teeth, he replies, i didnt say that i said that she was fecking goofy

a man walked in to a bar OUCH!

A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly swatter. “Have you gotten any?”he asked. The clerk replied, “Yeah. Three males and two females.””How do you tell the difference?”the man asked curiously. “Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!”

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

“I’m scared out of my mind,” the stud replied. “Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop fucking his wife.”

“So stop,” the barkeep said.

“I can’t,” the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. “The prick didn’t sign his name!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping � with your Oldsmobile. 14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 – For some reason, there’s salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea’s pancakes. 9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could’ve bought the automobile. 8 – You’re now the proud inventor of the “Slim Jim”: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, “Hey, it’s Vomit Man!” 4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it’ll take you to find your pants. 3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 – You’re now sober enough to realize “Drink Canada Dry” is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

A guy goes into a bar and says, “Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!”

The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. “Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!”

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. “Quick another beer before the trouble starts!”

The barman replies, “Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?”

“I haven’t got any money!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis