Category: bar & drinking

A man walks into a bar.
Ouch!

whats the difference between a pervert and a pick pocket ?

One watches snatches the other snatches watches.

A obviously pissed off man walks into a bar and yells “All Lawyers are assholes! Show Me a Lawyer, and I’ll show you an Asshole!” Another man walks up to the guy and says “I resent that statement!” The first guys says “Why, Are you a Lawyer?” and the second guys replies “NO! I’m an ASSHOLE!”

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar
and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked
down and said to the man, �Excuse me sir, I don’t mean to be rude but I noticed
you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?� The man said �No, I got this in
the war. The German�s in WWII torpedoed my ship. I was the only survivor on the
ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would
grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The
mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever
need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She said, �I
can’t grant that wish because mermaids can’t have sex.��

So I said, �How about a little head?�

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, “Paint my house!”

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, �Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.� The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty. Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, �Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.� Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers. He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, �Hey, barkeep,� he burbles, �I’ll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.� The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously. �What’s so funny?� says the barkeep, �you just lost everything you won and more!� �Well,� giggles the man, �I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn’t get angry.�

scientists have successfully crossed a rooster and a onion !!

the result is a BIG COCK that makes ur eyes water

One boy say my father can pass a water lake
second boy say my father can pass a wole beach
third boy says that my father goes in a well and comes out of the tape.

What do you call a pair of shorts with nothing to do?
Bored Shorts

So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!”.

The grasshopper says “Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!”.

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, “I don’t mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?”

The man says, “When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times.”

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one… sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer… sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, “I don’t mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?”

The man says, “Oh, no, nothing like that. It’s just that my wife said that I couldn’t go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didn’t say anything about my brothers.”

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.”I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”