Category: bar & drinking

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man’s buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the backseat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. ”What’s so funny?” the bartender asked. ”That stupid Pete!” the fellow chortled, ”He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”

What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?

A recovering alcoholic.

Submitted by clamjo
Edited by curtis

*** Signs that you “just might” have a drinking problem. ***

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth … now THAT’S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in.
“Hi ocifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.”
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
“BeerTender! Get me another Bar!”

her: hey can i check your tag on your shirt?
(she checks the tag) just what i thought… made in heaven.

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, �Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.� �Thanks, says the guy, �It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.� �Rubbish, you’re having me on,� says the girl. �No, it’s true,� says that guy. �Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.� The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, �Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.� �Well, it’s wrong,� says the girl, �I do have panties on.� �Damn,� says the guy, slapping his watch, �it’s an hour fast!�

A midget runs into a bar, turns to the guy beside him and says “Ouch.”

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man
with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of
whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking
out the door. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you going to pay for that?” The
man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The bartender says, “Alright then” and the
man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man
goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man
drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey
aren’t you going to pay for that?” The man says, “Excuse me, Castro’s Army.” The
bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.
He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey
aren’t you going to pay for that?” The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castro’s
Army.” The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard?” The Scotsman
thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, “Secret Service!”

A guy goes up to a homeless person and says “knock knock”

A guy goes up to a homeless person and says
“Excuse me, can I use your toilet?”

A guy goes up to a homeless person and hands him a letter addressed “To occupant”

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells “Give me a Budweiser, or…!” Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.”Give me a Budweiser, or…!” “O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?”stammers the bartender.”A small Coke.”

I have got a drink problem…..I’ve got two hands, but only one mouth…..

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads “$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details.”

Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.

“You have to do three things and its all yours,” the bartender says.

“Just three things?” the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.

“What are the three things?”

“Well,” the bartender says, “first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out…”

“After that, I’ve got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled…”

“Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs.”

“No problem,” the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, “Hey pal your shoelace is untied.”

When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.

Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed.

The bartender can heara tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.

After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.

“Okay,” he says, “where’s the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??”

A shy man enters the Pharmacy to buy some condoms!
“What size would you like sir?” said the young buxom female pharmacist?
Red faced the man replied, �Well miss I am not sure,�
�Well in that case sir; go to the back of the Pharmacy, enter the shed outside! There you will find three holes in the back wall; try them out to establish the size you require�
After he had entered the shed, she rushes behind it, slipped her panties down, and backed on to the holes!
After a few minute establishing, the right hole to insert his penus into, she quickly backed on to it to respond to the ejaculation.
He began to enjoy poking the hole very much, and after some considerable time he finished the test and pulled out of the hole he was enjoying!
Where the female pharmacist quickly pulled her panties up and ran back into the Pharmacy to re-serve him!
He came back into the Chemist with a wide grin from ear to ear on his face.
�Well� said the young female pharmacist also with a large red broad grin on her face
�What size did you find the most comfortable sir?�
To which the man replied!
�Fuck the size I�ll buy the shed�