Category: bar & drinking

A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air
women approach.

“So, where y’all from?” he asks.

“We are from,” one of them answers�,somewhere where people don’t end their
sentences with prepositions�.

“Oh,” says the bartender. “So, where y’all from, bitch!”

Beheading of Osama�s dick
———————————-
Osama Bin Laden lost his penus when he was 12 years old. His father is responsible for beheading it because his wife ran away with Mohamad Attar who later found out that she was really a she-male. Mohamad Attar got terrified of that matter and asked US citizenship which the US government successfully granted to him. Unfortunately, while he was on the way to US, he got a job from a quite a dickless asshole.
Osama now hiding away from straight people. Every night, he bends down in the bushes of Taliban. Almost every night, in stinky holes which Osama hides, he tells his gay stories to his fellow dicks. Sometimes, they just pull his lice living beard and slap him silly couple times and tell him �FUCK YOU!� Or, moon him with their shit hanging desert-no-water asses until he shouts �MERCY!�. From the day his father beheaded his hideous miniature penus, he got married to several different gay morons. Every one of them left him just after he opened his worm living mouth because it is just dead smells like holy pig shit.

A man walks into a bar and has a beer.Then he looks in his pocket then drinks another beer. Then looks in his pocket again and a again And again the bartender says why do you keep looking in your pocket.Then the man says because I have a picture of my wife in there and once she looks good Im going home

You got any overdue library books? ‘Cause you got fine written all over you!

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”

“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “nothing!”

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ”Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ”You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?” ”I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.” ”Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. ”Why did you do that?” ”Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.” The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. ”What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver. ”Well, sure,” says the patrolman. ”But you can’t bait ’em.”

you so fat every time you turn around its your birthday

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. “I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.” “I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.” His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?” “Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..”

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

do you know how dumb blondes are?
well there was a blonde she called me to get my phone number.

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.””Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me we got ’em all.”

One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up the other drunks ass. A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what there doing. “What the hell are you doing with your finger up his ass? yells the cop. “I’m trying to make him puke!” says the drunk. “Well, you won’t make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass”, the cop says. “I will when I stick it in his mouth”, says the drunk.