Category: bar & drinking

your mama pussy so fat every time i look at it,i say dawm what a hole

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” “Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed. “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

im a cool girl,
in a cool town.
it takes a real
motherfucker to
put me down.

a man and his wife stopped in at a bar,sat down on a stool beside this guy,after a while this man let go with a sizzler the man with his wife ask,did you fart fore my wife,the man replied,didn’t know it was her turn.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later,
a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echoes through the bar. The
bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming
about.

The bartender yells, “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring
my customers!”

The drunk responds, “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try
to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!

A man’s been drinking at the pub all night. The barman finally says that the bar is closing, so the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face again.He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, `So you’ve been out drinking again!”What makes you say that?’ he asks, putting on an innocent lookHis wife said, ‘The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.’

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet:

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said “okay,” grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Q:What did the mayonaise say to the person oneping the fridge door
A:close the door im dressing

what do you call a person who wighs 6000 pouns and is 2 feet tall

a fat but and a brat anine

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
“Do you realize what time it is?” she asked.

He answered, “Don’t get excited. I’m late because I bought something for the house.”

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, “What did you buy for the house, dear?”

His answer was, “A round of drinks!”

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ”Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ”No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ”I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, ”What do you mean, $200?”

A guy walks into a bar and hears this voice say,
‘Hey, you’re a pretty good-looking guy.’

Upon, further investigation, he realizes that the voice is coming from a bowl of nuts.

So he asks the barman, ‘What’s this?’

The bartender replies, ‘They’re complimentary peanuts.’