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A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes by and asks him if he’s all right.
The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?”
The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”
The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ… and I can prove it! Come with me!”
They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”
A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks
the farmer,
‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?’
Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’
Man: ‘So what happened that is so horrible?’
Farmer: ‘Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over’
Man: ‘That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?’
Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain. ‘
Man: ‘So then what happened?’
Farmer: ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some
rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
‘
Man: �Again? So what did you do then?’
Farmer: ‘I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. ‘
Man: �And then what.’
Farmer: ‘I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the
bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.’
Man: ‘Wow, you must have been pretty upset.’
Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’
Man: ‘So then what did you do?’
Farmer: ‘Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her
tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants
fell down and my wife walked in.’
A lady approaches a priest at a restaurant and tells him, ‘Father, I have a
problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing.’
‘What do they say?’ the priest inquired.
‘They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?’
‘That’s terrible!’ the priest exclaimed, ‘but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to the rectory and I will put them
with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My
parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your
female parrots will learn to praise and worship.’
‘Oh Thank you!’ the woman responded.
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His
two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady
puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’
One male parrot looks over at the other male and exclaims, ‘Put the beads
away, Our prayers have been answered!!!’
fghtd
three men are walking in a forest and a pack of etheopeins catch them the irsish man says look volcano the etheopains all look and he runs the scotish man shouts look hurracain and they look again and he runs the english man shouts fire and they all fire at him
a man walked into a bar
OUCH!!!
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says “if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night”.
So he says “ok” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says “if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says “To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him”.
a blonde and a brunette fall out of an airoplane. which one hits to the ground first? the brunette, because the blonde has to stop for directions.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, “Who’s white horse it that outside?”
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, “It’s my horse. Why do you want to know?”
The cowboy looks at him and says, “Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don’t look too good.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion.
The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.
It is then he notices that there isn’t a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, “Who’s white horse is that outside?”
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, “That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?”
“Nothing,” replies the cowboy, “I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The night after the US dropped bunker bomb on Sadamm. Iraqs minister of information is holding a meeting of the polictcal elite. A body double gets up and asks about sadamms status. The minister tells them theres good news and bad news. The good news is he is alive. The bad news is he lost an arm
a new drink that ie out maid of paptsblue ribin beer & smernof vodka is cald paptssmeer.
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”
The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”
The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”
The bartender can’t believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”
The drunk replies, “You! No way! You get too violent when you drink!”